I Think I Am

Day 0

2012-01-05T23:50:00.000-06:00

So this is what it's like to be me. I can't believe I forgot how much of a roller coaster ride my emotional states can be. Everything is tragic yet sublime, horrible, yet so damn beautiful.

Was I right to trade my medicated numbness back in for the unbearable din and confusion of the insanity known as my mind?

I tell my son that he doesn't have to love me, that I just want him to listen and learn so that he can avoid the pitfalls that I so heartily enjoyed in my youth. My youth, my young adulthood, my 30s, now my 40s, and so on, and so on.

I want him to love his mother.

As for my part, all I can do is to try and live up to my vow to him that I will never treat him the way my father did me; that I will never betray him and lie to him without a shred of an apology.

When I see him I see myself looking at my own father. I can't help but expect the worst. I hated my father from an early age, and can't help but assume that those seeds are germinating in his mind as well.
I see echoes of my father in myself so I can't blame him if he daydreams about impaling my skull, watching without blinking, flinching, or regretting as the life slowly fade from my eyes.

If he loves me it is because he is a fool.

I am NOT to be loved. If I am to be known at all I am to be heeded. Otherwise I have neither purpose nor function.

Who am I kidding? There is no such thing as purpose, and function is nothing more than a byproduct of consequence.

I fuck, therefore I father.

Day 141

2010-12-29T07:07:00.002-06:00

Not a bad day at work at all. I'm learning a lot of new techniques and I'm being called on to do the more creative side of web work: graphics and layout. That's the fun stuff to me.

Not much else to mention really.

Well, not much if you don't count the fact that I really have a taste for upper level leadership here. It's not a lust for power or anything like that. I really couldn't care less about being other people's boss. It's about a firm belief that my disposition is suited to be in a position of authority because I know that I can inspire people to do the best work they've ever done while still maintaining positive morale.

I don't get caught up in office drama, I don't allow interpersonal differences to affect my judgment or behavior, I don't let petty things stress me out, and I care far more about my wife and son than I do about my own positional advancement.

I know I still need time.

There are patterns in my mind which I need to make sure are under control or entirely eradicated.

Sticking to my guns on my eating and exercise habits is helping, but it's admittedly easy to do considering that the alternative is a marked decline in quality and possibly quantity of life.

I may not love love (redundancy is intentional) my life, yet, but that doesn't mean that I want to stop living it.

I don't really have a bucket list, but I do know that I don't want to check out before I've seen my son well on his way to being the best he can be, whatever that is.

I also want to see my wife happy, truly happy, for once. She deserves some real satisfaction out of life especially for the way she treats me. 10 years on and I still look forward to going home at the end of every work day to be welcomed by her smile and warm embrace, etc. *wink*

About the walking, I guess you could say that I have been inspired by Cake, the band, not the food: I'm going for distance, I'm going for speed.

There's really no need for me to walk for almost 2 hours if my intensity level is this high.

My standard duration was 90+ minutes, but since I've blasted past my first two goals and can hit the 5 mile mark in less than 70 minutes at my current pace, I've decided it's time for a new goal.

I know it will be a challenge, but I want to hit the 5 mile mark in 60 minutes or less, without breaking into a run.

I was able to keep up the 5mph pace for a quarter mile last night, even longer back at the Hilton, but there's no denying that it's going to be a bit of a challenge.

It's not at all impossible though. Race walker paces are so fast that they could beat Army run time requirements without ever breaking stride.

I can hardly imagine doing a 7 or 8 minute mile WALK.

I'm going to have to alter my techniques. Shorter strides, more pelvic motion, push off from the ball of the foot, not the toes....

With my lower back as screwy as it's been since my mishap in 1997-8 this will be interesting, but I know I can do it.

I'm going to start posting exact times, minutes and seconds, as I progress. I may go for longer distances soon, especially if I plan on participating in organized events.

This is now my lifestyle.

Day 141: 5 miles in 68m44s.

Day 129 - 140

2010-12-28T12:46:00.002-06:00

OK, so yeah, I dropped the ball.

Chalk this one up to the holidays, the move, the cold, the family visit, and most of all, Fringe.

I did stay away from the treadmill for a while, but I finally got back on last night and did my 5 miles in a perfectly respectable amount of time.

Despite eating out several times since we arrived in DC I've still managed to lose a few more pounds.

202 yesterday.

Heck yeah.

Anyway, I may or may not try to keep this blogging thing up. We'll see. Since we moved here most of what was causing me to need to vent has completely subsided.

Leesville, LA, is a life sucking hell hole. If the Army tries to send you to Fort Polk politely and respectfully decline.

Day 129-140: several miles at a decent pace.

Day 128

2010-12-15T08:16:00.003-06:00

December 15.

I guess I really should have eaten something after taking my Metformin this morning. Before I hit the two mile mark on the treadmill I started feeling rather crappy, especially in the stomach.

I ended up doing my 2.5 miles at 4.5mph and then slowed it down to 4mph afterward. I let the machine do its automatic cooldown at the 60 minute mark and then continued at the slower pace until I hit the 4.5 mile mark.

Oh well.

The good news is that the scale showed me at 204 today!

My pants and shirt collar are getting somewhat loose, but you won't hear me complaining about that!

Day 128: 4.5 miles in about 70 minutes.

Day 127

2010-12-15T08:07:00.003-06:00

December 14.

The effects of dinner carried over to the morning. I woke up on time but I was essentially stuck in the bathroom.

No gym for me. Grrr.

I felt better later in the day, but decided to go ahead and take the day off from working out again.

At least I was able to get to work on some of the websites at the office.

Day 126: to and from the food court and the restroom.

Day 126

2010-12-15T07:59:00.003-06:00

December 13.

Another early morning and a very fast walk.

I picked the treadmill right under the AC vent. It was frigid! I was glad I brought an extra towel because after a while I ended up putting it on my head.

I finally got access to the websites and was able to do some image editing as well. It was great to be working again.

Unfortunately the Indian food we ordered for dinner didn't exactly sit well with me and I had to spend some low quality, high quantity time in the smallest room in the house.

I didn't sleep well, but at least I didn't have any upper GI issues.

Day 126: 5 miles in about 66 minutes plus a cooldown.

Day 125

2010-12-15T07:49:00.004-06:00

December 12.

IHOP!

Yeah, OK, it's not like having Wolfgang Puck prepare a 5 star breakfast for you, but it is good grub, and the little guy specifically requested it; something he rarely, if ever, does.

I've still had no desire whatsoever to go to the gym at the apartments. Besides, I think I've been good enough to not have to feel guilty about taking the weekend off.

Day 125: nada mucho.

Day 124

2010-12-15T07:47:00.004-06:00

December 11.

I slept in to 11. I guess I felt like I needed to make up for getting up at 0500 during the week.

It was great to be home and enjoy my first official weekend.

We decided to go to the big mall at Tyson's Corner. Holy gargantuality, Batman! That place is humongous!

I ended up picking up a few extra sweaters. Apparently, or so I've heard, wearing a sweater over a button-up shirt can almost negate the need to iron said shirt. As long as your collar and tie are still visible you appear professional and well put together.

We ate at the California Pizza Kitchen early in the afternoon. The kid was being a complete jerk so the meal was not as enjoyable as it could have been. The food was good, especially the hummus, but the company was difficult, to say the least.

Later we ate at Panera, which, I must say, is AWESOME!

It is officially hell for a person with Celiac disease, but thank goodness my allergy list doesn't include gluten.

Day 124: Mall walking, lots of it.

Day 123

2010-12-15T07:37:00.002-06:00

December 10.

First week down. This has to have been one of the best weeks I have ever spent at a job; even better than the time I predicted that I would sell $6000 of merchandise at the Helzberg Diamonds sales event and exceeded that goal by $700.

Still no furniture, but we've been watching Fringe online. I'm so happy my wife likes the show. I didn't think she would because of the material they deal with, but it is very well written and acted so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.

Sitting on the floor is getting old. My joints hurt, especially after walking as fast as I have been.

Yeah, another 5+ miles at warp speed again today. My hip flexors are screaming.

Day 123: 5 miles at 4.5 mph (66:40) and a 5 minute CD.

It used to take me 20+ minutes more to go the same distance. Not bad.

Day 122

2010-12-15T07:30:00.003-06:00

December 9.

0500 comes around early no matter when you get to sleep.

I got to the gym just before 0600 and since I didn't really have enough time to take it slow and go the full distance, I went for it.

I ended up doing my 2.5 mile time in about 35 minutes and then upped the speed for the remainder to make it to the 5 mile mark in 68 minutes.

Not bad.

I weighed myself after I showered. It was the same type of scale that the doctor used so I can assume it it correct.

205.

I've lost 65 pounds in 4 months.

It's so good to know that I haven't suffered for having taken a few days off from walking.

Now if the movers would just show up and give us our stuff back...

Day 122: 5 miles in 68 minutes, plus a 4 minute CD.

It's really good to be moving again.

Day 121

2010-12-15T07:20:00.002-06:00

December 8.

Finally got access to most of the stuff I need on my new computer, but I haven't touched any of the websites yet. I still have to map drives, create site caches in Dreamweaver, and get a list of content proponents for each of the websites we manage.

With my main boss set to retire in the very near future, and his replacement out for training for the week, I'm sort of left floundering here.

It's up to me to see to it that I'm gainfully employed.

Again, however, I can't complain. I like to work so having to track things down by myself is fun and a welcome challenge.

The web team lead walked me through a lot of things I'll be working on and gave me another quick tour of the place, this time focusing on the people I'd need to interface with for site changes and updates.

After lunch he walked me down to the fitness center and I finally decided to go for it and get the membership.

Unfortunately I came unprepared to do anything physical so the extent of my exercise, again, consisted of walking the halls of this huge building.

Day 121: work, work.

Day 120

2010-12-15T07:04:00.003-06:00

December 7, day 2 at the Pentagon.

I finally got on to a computer, but I don't yet have access to any of the software I need.

No cubicle yet either. I'm at a 4' wide desk in a row of 9 workspaces along a wall in a high traffic area by one of the main doors.

No privacy. No personality. No... Leesville!!!

I'd sit on a milk crate and work off of a TRS80 on an overturned shopping cart if it's what I were offered to be able to work here.

I LOVE it here.

Still no walking. I guess I've been trying to decide how early I want to get up in the morning and whether or not I'm willing to pay for a membership at the Pentagon fitness center.

By the way, Panda Express is my favorite fast food joint, period.

At least COMCAST finally showed up at the house. Our internet connection is up and running and our sanity has been restored.

Day 120: try finding something in the Pentagon without asking for directions. You'll get your exercise!

Day 119

2010-12-15T06:43:00.002-06:00

December 6.

First day at the Pentagon. I'm officially stoked to be here.

First day in a suit in a very long time as well.

My new boss walked me around to the various people I needed to meet to get in-processed. Everyone was very cool.

I can tell already that people love working here and are generally in good spirits. Sure, the pace is fast, the work is intense, and the demand for excellence is unparalleled, but those are precisely the things that this caliber of people look for in a career.

There are personality conflicts, as there are, everywhere, but they seem to be kept in check. There's really no tolerance for BS here. Suits me just fine since the scratch test showed definitively that I'm allergic to it.

I got a chance to walk around a bit and see some of the things that were closed on Saturday when we came in for our tour.

They really have everything just about you could possibly need here. The things I expected to see, like a barber shop, snack shops, and ATMs, are here, but I never expected to see a full blown Best Buy in here. The list of shops and restaurants is almost too long to post.

I was able to get my Virginia driver license here!

Anyway, without computer access there really wasn't much else I could do at work so I dipped out a bit early.

I did get my pass for the apartment complex gym, but the hours are really not as convenient as I'd like. The only times I'd be able to go on a work day would be immediately after work or right after dinner.

I guess that's not so bad if I get off of work early enough, and at some point it may come to that, but I really want to spend my evenings with my family, not by myself walking nowhere really fast.

Day 119: A couple of miles through the halls of the Pentagon.

Day 118

2010-12-13T15:30:00.002-06:00

December 5.

I'm now officially a GS-12.

WOOT!!!

After a quick stopover at the fitness center to register, we did a dry run to test out the route to work and once there ended up deciding to just go across the street to the fashion center mall and shop for a while.

What a huge place!

Long story short, we left the place with some bath and body lotions, some winter accessories, and iPhone, and stomachs completely full of Panda Express orange chicken.

No treadmill usage, but I definitely got my walking in that day. There are 17.5 miles of corridors in the Pentagon and I know I saw at least a fourth of that with all of my inprocessing activities and, of course, the times I got lost....

I can tell already that I'm going to LOVE it here! I don't want to move any more. I know that I might think differently in a few years, but for now I'm already starting to call this place home.

Day 118: Pentagon Marathon.

Day 117

2010-12-13T15:22:00.002-06:00

December 4.

The first night in the new apartment went relatively well, even though all we had to sleep on was a pillow top for an as of yet undelivered mattress.

The stuff was delivered mid morning without any snags or damages.

We met up with my new boss around lunch time and he took us over to the Pentagon and gave us the grand tour.

What an amazing place!

Every corridor is a museum of military history. It's fascinating!

Lots of things were closed, but we really got a sense of the sheer scope of the place. It's quite breathtaking to be honest.

Afterward he took us on a quick driving tour of the main sights in DC. I'd seen it all before, but seeing it all with my wife and son with a whole new context attached to it was far more invigorating.

Knowing we're here to stay.... Wow.

After we got home the order of the day was to build our new IKEA furniture.

Talk about exercise!!!

Again I had let time fly by without heading over to the complex fitness center, so walking was out for the night. No big deal though since IKEA furniture assembly is no joke.

Day 117: IKEA, again, this time, ouch!

Day 116

2010-12-13T15:11:00.002-06:00

December 3.

We got up early enough to get over to the apartment leasing office and check in with plenty of time to spare for the Comcast guys to show up and connect us.

I was a bit uneasy thinking that we were going to miss our appointment time, since things were going a bit slowly, but everything went smoothly as we were in the apartment relatively fast.

By 1400 the Comcast guys hadn't showed to I called the Philippines, apparently, and sought some tech support assistance.

Yeah, sure enough, they had shown up a day early, knocked on the door, and canceled our appointment when no one was there to answer.

They rescheduled us for the following TUESDAY!

Here I thought we were moving to civilization....

Since we knew we were on our own for the rest of the evening we decided to go to IKEA and go absolutely nuts, I mean, buy a bunch of things we needed, bad, and stuff.

Plus their meatballs are really good.

It got late and the fitness center at our apartments was closed when we got home. I wasn't really in the mood to walk anyway.

Nyah!

Day 116: IKEA.

Day 115

2010-12-13T15:04:00.002-06:00

December 2.

New car, new city, new... uh... hotel. Yeah, new hotel.

We stayed at the Hilton about a mile from our new apartment. The room was nice, but it was so far away from the front desk that it felt as though we were at the hotel equivalent of a kids' table.

Anyway, it was still a nice stay, even though it was WAY over priced for the services and (lack of) security we were provided.

We did a short tour of the area, to include a quick drive-by of our new place, a trip to the bank for an extremely large cashier check, and a mildly appetizing trip to the local Cheesecake Factory.

We got back to the hotel with enough time to relax, so I finally got the chance to do some walking.

Their treadmills were NICE!

I walked my 5 miles faster than I ever have. I achieved my second goal of annihilating the Army walk time and then maintaining that pace for the full duration.

The only annoying thing was that the treadmill was set to stop at 60 minutes. Oh well.... I'm not about to walk at 5mph or faster just to get it done within the allotted time frame.

I slept well.

Day 115: 5+ miles in 72 minutes.

Day 114

2010-12-13T14:00:00.002-06:00

December 1.

Oh my. Talk about a day to remember.

After a thoroughly disappointing breakfast at the La Quinta Inn we headed out for the second leg of our journey.

About 20 miles outside of Chattanooga something rather horrible happened.

I was in the fast lane, trying to get past a semi, when I saw a couple of very large falcons feeding on some roadkill in the divider about a half mile ahead.

As I approached them one of them lifted off and began flying across the highway, perpendicular to traffic.

Just as I was thinking that the beautiful bird was in serious danger of being hit by the semi the falcon turned and began flying straight toward me.

I had no time to react and even if I had there was nowhere for me to go.

A loud bang went off immediately to my left, as if someone had fired a shotgun right next to me.

I looked over to my left to try and catch a glimpse of what hit my in my driver side rear view mirror, but there was no mirror to be seen.

It was gone.

There was no way that poor falcon survived that impact.

The next 20 miles were an adventure. Driving in high traffic without a side mirror is something I would not advise.

We got off of the highway at the first sign of civilization and looked up the nearest Nissan dealership. Fortunately it was only a few miles away. Unfortunately they didn't have any replacement parts in stock.

They informed us that our only option would be to have them expedite one and have it repaired the next morning.

Anyone who knows me knows that I never settle for the options I'm handed.

I got the attention of a salesman and told him that I'd like to trade up.

It took a while to get everything sorted out, but the guys at Mountain View Nissan in Chattanooga, TN, namely Joel Fort, the salesman, and the finance manager, whose name escapes me at the moment, got us in a brand new Pathfinder and on the road again.

We were able to keep our reservation in Roanoke that night without any more hassle than a phone call to the front desk to let them know we'd be getting in rather late.

So yeah, no walking AGAIN.

Day 114: BOOM! ZOMG! WAREZ DA MIRROR?????

Day 113

2010-12-13T13:53:00.002-06:00

OK, I'm playing catch up now. I'm about 2 weeks behind, so bear with me.

November 30.

We did our last minute cleanup and our apartment manager came to inspect us around 0900. She cleared us without any ado and after a walkthrough and a final game of luggage Tetris in the back of the Rogue we were on our way to Birmingham.

It was a good drive. Both of the boys were relatively well behaved. I guess we could chalk that up to curiosity since at the 5 hour mark both of them realized that they had never ridden that far in the car before.

You could almost feel the epiphany that we were not going to be turning around and heading back to Leesville or Fort Polk.

It was a long drive, so by the time we got settled in to the hotel room after a quick dinner at a high brow Italian chain restaurant I was too tired to even look for the fitness center.

Hence:

Day 113: Several hundred miles at 65 mph. No walk.

Day 112

2010-11-30T01:58:00.002-06:00

The movers finally showed up at about 10 pm.

I guess I could feel like we wasted nearly two full days, but at least everything is finally out of the house.

No treadmill, no walk.

I'm tired and there's still a bunch to do before we check out in the morning.

Day 112: ugh.

Day 111

2010-11-29T00:32:00.003-06:00

Back to the present tense.

We were ready for the truck from the time we woke up this morning. It would have been nicer had it shown up.

Apparently the mover's other customer, the one whose stuff he was hauling to Texas, failed to contact him in time so he had to put us off for a day.

Oh well. At least we were ready when we were supposed to be!

It was almost a day of relaxation because of that. We played on our iPads almost all day and I even had time to walk my five miles. I actually missed it.

I do get concerned that i might break my good habits, but starting out the day at 206.5 on the scale was more than encouraging enough to keep me going.

Even more interesting than the fact that I seem to be able to stay motivated is the fact that I have not yet once been stressed out or nervous about this move. Normally I get freaked out over details that are beyond my control, or I get all nervous about unknown variables, but this time I'm completely calm.

It's as if i've been expecting this for a long time and see no reason to act as if it's some kind of surprise.

I literally feel as if I'm going home.

Why would I feel nervous about going home?

Am I happy? Well, I'm calm, I'm not worried, I'm unphased by trivial things, I'm immune to negativity, and I'm confidant that I made the right choice by accepting the job offer. If that means I'm happy, then I guess I am.

Of course we're also leaving this rat hole of a town, moving to a big city full of opportunity and promise, and, um, yeah, I have a Mesa/Boogie Roadster half stack. Heck yeah, I'm happy!

It's kind of a new feeling for me. For the most part I feel it as the absence of depression. I must say, this is quite a nice way to feel.

It's not like the feeling of being in love. It's more like the feeling of knowing you're loved.

Day 111: 5+ miles in 90 minutes.

I don't really know how far i went. I pick a speed and stick to it for 5 miles and then cool down until the timer reads 90 minutes. It works for me.

Day 110

2010-11-29T00:28:00.002-06:00

It all came down to this. We literally busted our backs getting everything done so that we would be ready for the truck to show up on Sunday.

I still didn't walk, but I did more physical labor and lifting than I had done in years. I got my exercise in, that is for dang sure. Besides, we were working all the way until after midnight, cleaning as we went and making sure that we didn't miss anything.

It was tiring, but extremely satisfying.

Again, past tense. No time to write until today.

Day 110: 180 miles between the car and the dumpster, carrying someing heavy every single trip.

Day 109

2010-11-29T00:24:00.002-06:00

This was no shopping day. (bear with me, I'm late so I'll be writing in the past tense). Apart from the quick run to post to turn in my paperwork it was an extremely intense packing day for us. We would not have been able to get everything done had I not taken the day off of work.

No walking. Too much work to do, and 90 minutes is a long time when time is short.

Day 109: 0 miles, but lots of heavy lifting.

Day 108

2010-11-25T23:30:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving. My friend Tim invited us to his house to have dinner with them. It was awesome. The food was delicious, but even better it was awesome to be with friends. I will really miss Tim and his family. They're just going to have to come visit us in DC, and that's that.

Our son showed off his leet LEGO Batman skills on Tim's XBox360 and his giant projection screen monitor. I can't blame him for not wanting to put the controller down and leave. Some day I'll need to get us a better projector and a good sound setup. For now though we're amply set up for the little bit we do game these days.

I'm going to have to pack up the computer tomorrow or Saturday to make sure we're ready in case the truck shows up on Sunday. Nothing but iPads for us until we're in the new place.

It's hard to believe that we're only a few days away from being out of here and on the road. Lord, I can't wait!

I had to slow down tonight. I was tired, probably from the really good turkey I had eaten earlier. I still managed to go the distance in the usual amount of time, but I had to drop it to 3mph for the second half of the walk. 2 episodes of Law and Order SVU later and I was glad to be done.

I'm sore but I'm done.

Day 108: 5 miles even in 90 minutes.

Day 107

2010-11-25T23:13:00.002-06:00

My last day of work at Ft. Polk. Wow, it feels good to be away from there.

Par for the course though, practically everyone I needed to see to have my clearing papers signed was nowhere to be found. Oh, and when i finally made it out to the Civilian Personnel Office at 3:45 there were no cars in the parking lot, the lights were out and the door was locked.

GRRRR!!!!

So yeah, I don't work there anymore, but I'm still going to have to go back there to turn in my paperwork. It had to be something. I just hope that's the last snag I run into as I clear out.

We celebrated by staying home and working more toward getting stuff packed up. Papa John's catered the evening events. It was momentously anticlimactic.

But who am I to begrudge a properly prepared cheeseless pizza?

Day 107: 5.4 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 106

2010-11-25T23:03:00.003-06:00

I spent most of the day at work clearing out my desk and making sure that all of my duties were properly passed on to the right people.

I know my websites are in good hands, but I will admit that I'm not as concerned as I could be about them now...

I've been spending a bit too much time fooling around in Champions Online so I've been starting my walk rather late. Needless to say i haven't slept much this week.

I guess you could say that we're really not stressed out about the move. Yeah, there's a ton of stuff left to do, but plenty of time.

Almost all of my coworkers showed up to my going away lunch at Hana. We had a great time. They were especially generous with my going away gift: a gift certificate to Musician's Friend for the exact amount of the pedal that I've been eyeballing. It really made my day.

I will miss the guys I worked with. They're all really great people.

Anyway, I'm very late, so....

Day 106: 5.5 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 105

2010-11-23T10:33:00.002-06:00

Mondays don't feel the same when you know you're about to leave.

I may have short-timer's disease, but I still do like to make sure everything is done right. I would hate to leave a bunch of things unfinished. That's just not the way I do business.

I'll be honest, I haven't felt much like walking lately. I think I've been eating too much fried chicken and mashed potatoes. Sure, I burn it all off, but it's not exactly the kind of diet I'd be able to keep up while trying to maintain my target weight once I get there.

I won't consider it a lapse, just a pattern in need of slight adjustments. After all, I've come this far...

The strange thing is that I have yet to feel weird or nervous about the move. I know it's where I'm supposed to be and it's definitely what I want so I really have no reason to feel nervous like I used to.

Change can be good, I guess.

Day 105: 5.4 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 104

2010-11-22T10:37:00.002-06:00

Not much to report.

It was a Sunday and I rested. I wasn't ready to push myself as hard as I had the day before.

I know I probably should have done a lot more work around the house, boxing things up, etc, but I was tired.

At least the most annoying piece of rubbish in our storage room is finally gone. The back seat to the van we bought 10 years ago has followed us around this whole time, long after the van was gone.

What a relief! That thing was a constant source of embarrassment, even tucked away out of sight it still seemed to call out to us mockingly.

No more!

This Warpgate game has kept my attention for quite some time now. Since it isn't that intensive to play I've been able to run it on the treadmill.

Speaking of which...

Day 104: 5.2 miles in 90 minutes.

Yeah, 3.5 mph. Tired and sore, but not about to quit.

Day 103

2010-11-21T16:51:00.002-06:00

Whew! I did some serious work today.

I cleared out the storage room out back and threw away just about everything we had in there. Some of it was a bit heavy so my back is sore.

I almost considered taking a break from the daily walk, but I was going to play Warpgate anyway so I ended up going the distance as usual.

I've hit a slight plateau weightwise so I can't exactly let up even if we've got so much going on right now.

Anyway, I'm late, and I'm hungry.

Day 103: 5.3 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 102

2010-11-20T18:06:00.002-06:00

Friday, finally!

Everything is falling in to place just like it needs to for the move. My start date is official, my utilities are all set up, the packing is going well, all of the ebay stuff is out of the way, my wife is completely outprocessed from work, short-timer's disease is in full swing.... Yep. we're out of here.

I only have 3 actual days of work left, a holiday, and then a long weekend, and we're on the road.

I played an iPad game called Warpgate HD the whole duration of my walk. It's like EVE online without the heartless ganking by ruthless players. It's cute, but it's a good time waster.

Day 102: 5.5+ miles in 90 minutes... I don't really remember...

Day 101

2010-11-19T20:03:00.002-06:00

Very late again.

I picked a good series to keep me going for the next few weeks: Law & Order: SVU. I've always like the series, but never really watched it religiously.

Strangely I found it harder to enjoy the walk when I had to fish for something to watch. I guess I like continuity.

I'll never regret the iPad purchase, I can tell you that. Sticking it to the treadmill made it the best workout tool I've ever used.

Lord, I can't wait to get out of here. There's still a veritable ton of things to do to get ready for the movers, but 10 days should be enough to get it all done as long as we can stay focused.

I'm finally focused since I'm done playing on ebay. I got my amp, some extra cash to help out, and trimmed my guitar collection down to the 3 guitars I love the most.

I really want to find out how much I like to play. I really don't know anymore, so I need to revisit the whole concept so I can determine where it will fit in my hierarchy of priorities.

I do love to play; that I know. Now I have the tools I've always dreamed of owning. Anything beyond this is gravy, at least for now....

Day 101: 5.8 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 100

2010-11-18T08:34:00.002-06:00

100. How's that for a round number? I guess you could also call it a square number, but that's beside the point.

I've been at this for 100 days now. I've lost almost 60 pounds and I'm still losing. I have a long way to go, but I'm at least past the halfway marker.

I wish I had started this a long time ago, but I guess that now is as good a time as any to start over in the wardrobe department. With the move coming up getting rid of unused things is the main plan.

At least we know we'll be in Virginia for a while, so we can take our time getting acclimated and set up.

I got all of our en route hotel reservations taken care of. It definitely feels real when you're giving a reservation clerk your address and you have to stop and correct yourself to give them your new one for correspondence purposes.

I'm sure it will feel real when we drive out from under our car port for the last time. Or maybe when the little guy asks, in his Asperger robot voice, "Are we going to a new city?"

Or when we get the keys to our new apartment.

Yeah, OK, it feels real now.

Day 100: 5.8 miles in 100 minutes.

Day 99

2010-11-17T10:33:00.002-06:00

I now own 2 Mesa/Boogie amps. Dream amps. Amps that other products try desperately to emulate, and fall miserably short. I am one VERY happy camper.

Of course I won't even be able to wire it all up until we're at the new place, but that's OK.

I've been under 210 for 3 days now so I guess it's official. I'm still on target. I'll be under 200 before January. Talk about exciting!

I got a lot accomplished on day 99. I have all of the Alexandria utilities set up in advance, and scheduled termination on all of the local ones.

As far as packing goes we have a couple solid days of work left to do and about 2 weeks to do it.

Not bad.

It's going to be so nice to start over. New beginnings!!!

On the exercise side, I'm somewhat bummed to have to look for something to watch on Netflix now since I finished the series I was watching. It's no big deal really, but there really aren't that many shows I like enough to tolerate for the 10.5+ hours per week I'm spending staring at my iPad screen while I walk.

I guess you could say that I have nothing to whine about so I'm kind of fishing here.

So this is what happy feels like, eh? I guess I could try and get used to it. I may as well since I'm getting everything I've ever wanted out of life, and something I never knew I did too.

Day 99: 5.75 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 98

2010-11-16T18:39:00.002-06:00

Yeah, very late again, but oh well.

The days are flying by now. We've done a lot of packing but there's a veritable ton of work left to do. Still, it's all good.

Really good.

Leaving here is like winning the lottery, only without all of the so-called friends and relatives coming out of the woodwork to help us share the wealth.

Enough for now. I have yet to walk tonight.

Day 98: 6.3 miles in 100 minutes.

Day 97

2010-11-14T19:52:00.002-06:00

Heck of a day!

I started out the day at 210 on the scale. I know, round numbers, yadda, yadda. But hey, it is a much lower round number than the last one.

If that wasn't good enough every single one of my auctions got a bid. By tomorrow I will be the proud owner of a nearly new Mesa Engineering Dual Rectifier Roadster amplifier. I won't have much left over for effects, you know, like the ones I mentioned in my previous post, but an overdrive and a noise reducer are more than enough for METAL!!!

What makes me really happy is that the guy who won my custom Ibanez is in the Army. I know it is going to a good home.

I now have three guitars instead of seven, and a little cash in hand to help with the move.

Nothing like a little clutter reduction to reduce stress.

Needless to say I'm quite happy right now.

Day 97: 5.6 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 96

2010-11-14T09:46:00.002-06:00

Well, one of my guitars sold so I'm that much closer to picking up a Mesa Roadster before we're out of here.

I decided to post my other effects unit for sale as well. Here's the thing: ever single effects unit I've ever bought has gone obsolete within about 2 years. They're a lot like computers in that sense. A new one comes out with a bigger and better processor; it can do way more than the last version could and you just have to replace your old one.

Well, that's all fine and dandy, but ultimately it's like taking out a refi loan on gear. You're never done paying for it.

Now, understand that us guitarists tend to continue to buy gear as if it's going out of style anyway, but when you're trying to cultivate YOUR sound it's a whole lot better if it's not entirely dependent on technological trends and advancements.

You need a core sound consisting of components that do not go obsolete.

Obviously the first element is the guitar. It has to be the one that best delivers your message. If it is a quality guitar that ages gracefully you should not have to worry too much about replacing it. After all Brian May still uses his Red Special and it is older than I am.

Secondly, you have to find the amp(s) that deliver YOUR tone. They are the soul of your sound, hands down. You can buy all the pedals in the world but they can never match or replace tried and true tube tone.

Third, you need a core complement of effects. The average setup includes one of each of the following: Overdrive, Chorus, and Delay. Usually the amp handles the reverb. If not, a pedal can substitute for it.

For high gain setting like mine a noise gate is also a must; typically placed after the "pre" effects in your chain to kill the noise before it gets to your amp. A compressor is also a trusty standby for cleans and solos - it usually goes first in the chain.

Some players (ahem Kirk Hammett) *need* a wah in their pedal chain as well. I've had the best results with it first in the chain before everything else.

Now, unless you're the kind of guitar player who intends on tweaking the settings of those few effects before, during, and after every song, you can set those pedals to the setting you like and kick them in and out of the chain at will. A little tap dancing never hurt anyone.

All of the effects I mentioned, except maybe reverb pedals, can be found in entirely analog versions. I guess a decent comparison between analog and digital sounds in the guitar world would be the difference between a CD and an LP.

For some sounds analog is where it's at; pardon the dangling participle. Think raw rock and roll like the sound of Zakk Wylde of Ozzy and Black Label Society fame. I'm sure there's plenty of digital post processing in the sounds we hear on the CDs but the only thing in his signal path that is digital at all, pardon the pun, are his fingers.

Analog sounds allow for a decent amount of sonic experimentation, but when you really want to go nuts and come up with entirely new sounds, digital effects will do the trick.

Historically I've relied entirely too much on the digital realm to deliver my core tone. Hence my sound goes obsolete every two years on average and I never fully get used to whatever new setup replaces the old version.

It's been very similar to the way I grew up: living in a country long enough to get used to the language and culture and just about the time I feel I've finally gotten to the point of being comfortable there I move. I start the process all over again. By the third or fourth time I knew I'd never have a home so I just did enough to get by until the next move.

The analogy works.

Soundwise, guitar players need a home; that core I mentioned earlier. Beyond that every sonic foray becomes like a vacation to an exotic location. One of the best things about a vacation is the part where you come back home and sleep in your own bed again.

It's time for me to find my home.

Mesa Boogie makes the amps that deliver my voice. So far MXR (Dunlop) pedals provide the best platform for the core analog effects that round out my tone. My Steinberger and Carvin guitars are the ones that I've felt most comfortable playing. That's my home.

My Roland VG-99 is my vacation home in the Caribbean.

All this talk makes me really want to play.

Bye!

Day 96: 6+ miles in 100 minutes.

Day 95

2010-11-13T00:40:00.002-06:00

What a nice day today turned out to be!

It was the little guy's 5th birthday and it was a total blast. He seemed to love every minute of it. Of course we did load him up on LEGO, but what self-respecting parent wouldn't?

The cake turned out nice too, though I only enjoyed it vicariously. It certainly looked nice!

I love to see my son smile. He can be such a punk sometimes, mostly when he's sleepy (I wonder where he got that.... ahem), but there are those moments when we connect and it makes me feel wonderful to be alive.

Yes, I dote on him. He's learning, however, that while my love may be unconditional my generosity is not. He earns good things by being good. When he is bad I don't rescind any gifts or promises I've made, I simply don't buy him anything new until the problem is corrected. I also restrict access to things that don't belong to him; things he understands are privileges, not rights.

I refuse to discipline him in anger. Anger is temporary but the effects of actions taken while angry can be permanent.

I refuse to treat him the way that I was treated. Maybe it's because I actually love him and consider his welfare and prosperity, in every aspect of his life, as my sole purpose.

That's why I walk.

Day 95: 5.4 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 94

2010-11-12T00:19:00.002-06:00

I almost feel uncomfortable referring to myself as a veteran, never having actually taken up arms for my country. I never bled to protect anyone's freedom or way of life. I never faced an enemy on the field of battle. I never deployed. I never even made it out of training.

I wanted to serve but at the time the Army hated overweight people almost as much as they hate homosexuals.

I was barely a couple of percentage points over my BMI allowance and my 1SGT threatened a chapter action.

I didn't have the heart to contest.

I was ashamed. I still am. I'm quite sure I will never ever be able to let it go.

It doesn't matter now that I finally found out why I gained the weight in the first place. It doesn't matter that my health has made a drastic turn for the better. It doesn't matter that I weigh less now than I did when I was honorably discharged (how's that for an oxymoron?).

None of it matters.

There's no honor in an involuntary discharge.

While the nation remembers those who served with their dignity intact, today I will remember those who wanted to serve but were ultimately found unfit by the callous remnant of the grand old guard and denied the God-given right to defend the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Here's to you, my involuntary veteran brethren!

Day 94: 6.125 miles in 100 minutes.

Day 93

2010-11-11T22:00:00.003-06:00

Uber late again.

I watched the movie Legion while I walked. It almost sucked as much as I expected it to, but not enough to stop it and find something else to watch while I finished up.

Anyway, since I'm about 24 hours late, that's all for the day.

Day 93: 6miles or so in 95 minutes.

Day 92

2010-11-10T11:11:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday to me!

I certainly don't feel 41 but not having been this age before I can't say that I would know how it felt anyway.

Birthdays don't mean much at all any more. No gifts from anyone, no real celebration, no respect from my son... at least my wife knows how to make me feel special. Nuff said.

I've found myself spending way too much time staring at my ebay auctions again and allowing my mood to be affected by inactivity. I can be so annoying to myself sometimes.

I went to the doc, but didn't learn anything new. He basically had one of his girls draw blood so he could run labs. Update soon.

I really need to focus on getting things we aren't taking with us out of the house. Too. Much. Crap.

It's not like I have 3 months to plan this. We're counting it in weeks now, but soon it will be in days.

Day 92: 5.2 miles in 90 minutes.

So I kept it slow. I'm under the weather. Nyah!

Day 91

2010-11-09T11:58:00.003-06:00

Wow, I didn't think I was going to make it. I hit the 20 minute mark and felt like my muscles had turned into wet noodles. I had to bring the speed back down to 3.5 just to keep from feeling like I was going to pass out.

I pushed through it and was able to keep going. It took getting through the first 45 minutes to collect myself.

Not good.

It's the weather change. I'm a bit bogged down by seasonal allergies and it has me feeling a bit ragged. Oh well. At least I was able to finish.

I didn't really get much accomplished, but I did refresh my ebay auctions page about 875 times. That ought to count for something!

Day 91: 5.3 toilsome miles in 90 minutes.

Day 90

2010-11-07T23:49:00.003-06:00

I got a lot done today, but you'd never know it by looking at the house. We've yet to pack the first box.

All my efforts so far have been aimed at liquidating what amounts to half of my guitar collection so that I can buy an amp off of a friend and coworker before we leave this place.

I know it might sound wrong to an outsider, but the amp really is that good, and narrowing down my collection to the two or three guitars I actually play is the right thing to do. I can already feel a sense of relief for having the ones I don't play out of the house.

The thing is, I actually do intend on playing more. I really do want to, especially when the sound is right!

Anyway, today is a big round number. No, it's not a triple digit round number, but it's a significant one nonetheless. The doctor told me that he wanted to see me in three months. It's been three months.

I think I'll make an appointment for my birthday just so I can go there and hear some good news from him for a change. It would make for a very nice birthday present. Better than a new amp, that's for sure.

I hope to be rid of the Metformin, or at least get confirmation that I will be able to wean off of it once I'm at my target weight.

It shouldn't take me too much longer to get to that goal considering my current pace. 55 pounds lost in 90 days represents over a half pound a day. If I can keep this up I'll be there before the next 90 goes by.

Not bad.

I haven't relented one my walking. I'm still doing 90 minutes per day, minimum. The speed varies according to how I feel, which lately seems to depend on the weather, but for the most part I'm averaging about 5.5 miles per day.

Again, not bad.

I'd be lying if I said that I've never stuck to my guns like this before, but I will say that I'm a lot less destination driven than I was when I was getting ready to enlist. I'm doing this to prolong my life. I can't quit. There is no destination, only continuously evolving goals.

I'm walking for my life.

Day 90: 5.5 miles in 90 minutes.

Mesa Engineering Roadster, come to papa!

Day 89

2010-11-06T22:51:00.002-05:00

212.5 this morning. I guess the scale wasn't so far after all.

We went shopping for clothes for the new job and I had to get much smaller shirts than before. I stuck with a larger size on the pants and the sport coat because I like to breathe.

I've never spent so much on clothes for myself in one day before and the sad thing is that I got barely enough to last me a week.

At least the shoes should last a bit longer than 5 days. They're by far the most comfortable dress shoes I've ever worn.

The little guy was a total jerk today. I don't know why he insists on being so difficult. I'm sure that if my parents were to deign to read this they'd be thinking that I'm getting what I deserve and that I might just find a little respect for them somewhere at the bottom of my blackened heart.

I'm discovering a new level of disdain for them instead.

I actually love my son. I discipline him quickly and appropriately and explain to him the reasons why he needs to listen to me, and then, novel concept, I drop it and tell him that I love him, that I'm not mad at him, and that I do what I do to protect him and see to it that he lives a long and happy life.

He is not some inconvenient accident that happened because I was trying to convince my wife and my peers that I was heterosexual. He is not an accessory or prerequisite statistic to maintain the appearance of averageness. He is not a hindrance and a stumbling block between me and my lifelong dreams.

He is my purpose; the reason I live. His health, welfare, and prosperity are the motivation behind everything I do.

He can act like a jerk all he wants, but I will never stop loving him and treating him with the respect he deserves.

Yeah, if anything I should thank my parents for having been so completely horrible to me so I could know how to treat my own son like a human being.

Thanks mom and mom, I mean dad.

Day 89: 5.3 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 88

2010-11-06T22:46:00.002-05:00

Uh, yeah. I'm about 24 hours late this time. I guess you could say that I've been a bit distracted.

What I will say is that it was a great day. I got so many things done that needed to get done and found out that we're getting the exact type of apartment that we wanted.

So anyway, more in a few seconds....

Day 88: 5.4 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 87

2010-11-04T22:23:00.002-05:00

212? Nowai!!! The scale might be a bit off on that one, but still....

I got a lot accomplished today, but of course there's still a veritable ton of things to do before we go. LOTS of packing, and we haven't started yet. O.o

It's all going to go well though. I can just feel it.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this, but I'm sure it'll set in once I turn my apartment keys in. I might shed a tear or two.

I will miss my friends here and when I say that they're always welcome to visit us in DC I actually mean it.

I felt like pushing myself a little today so I set the treadmill speed to 4 and went for my usual 90 minutes. I hurt a bit, but to manage 6 miles in the time I usually do about 5.4 was nice.

That being said, I'm tired.

Day 87: 6 miles in 90 minutes, plus a couple of minutes to cool off.

Day 86

2010-11-04T08:21:00.002-05:00

Moving to DC is going to be like going home! So many of our friends are there, and with the good schools and the unlimited job opportunities I'd dare say that I'd be willing to stay there for a good while.

I don't mind city life. In fact I love it. After living in Rome, Naples, Paris, and Atlanta for so much of my life, I've come to crave that crazy pace.

The main complaint I hear form people is the traffic. Traffic means more time to listen to tunes, or, if the wife is in the car with me, more time to talk. As long as I'm not missing something of paramount importance I like traffic.

After living here I almost miss smog.

This place is NOT for me. I've gone over the reasons before so I'll refrain from revisiting them.

This is the first major move in my life that I've actually looked forward to. Sure I was excited about going to Italy when I was 7, but the concept that I was never coming home was still foreign to me.

Not only am I not stressed out, but I'm actually anticipating tackling the whole process. I'm completely at peace.

Oh, and the scale said 212. Wow. I think it might be a fluke so I'm not going to jump for joy, but still. That would mean that I've lost 55 pounds. That's over half a pound per day since day 1.

Woot!

Day 86: 5.5 miles in 90:30

Day 85

2010-11-03T14:53:00.002-05:00

OK, so I'm REALLY late.

Yesterday was a great day, though we're all feeling a bit under the weather. Temperatures dropped by several degrees over these past few days and it's been wreaking havoc on our systems. My sinuses feel infected, my wife's suffering with a sore throat, and the little guy couldn't stop coughing in his sleep last night.

Ugh.

Of course, the knowledge that we're getting the heck out of here very soon keeps us from getting overly bogged down with anything temporary.

The only thing that has me slightly on edge, and I must emphasize the slightness, is that the friend who sold me the Mesa/Boogie speaker cabinet has now offered to sell me his Mesa/Boogie Roadster amp head for a ridiculously low price.

Instead of worrying about the details of the move, which, I know from experience, never helps, I'm wondering if I'll be able to sell enough of my excess guitars and gear in time to line up enough cash to make the purchase.

Anyone who really knows me, I mean really, knows that this is actually quite typical.

Do I need the amp? Heck no! But do I need legs to do the kind of work that I do? No, but I do like to walk, and they come in handy when I'm trying to catch up to someone who might happen to be faster than I.

Do I want it? Pfft! Keine Scheiße! Pardon my Austrian.

Day 85: 6.4 miles in 100 minutes.

Day 84

2010-11-01T23:45:00.002-05:00

It's official. We're moving to DC.

I'll be a GS12 by the first week in December, and I'll be working where I've wanted to work since i first considered enlisting in the Army.

I got the call early this morning and everything was good to go. I've been smiling ever since.

To top off the day an apartment came available that had everything we wanted and the leasing agent made sure she had me squared away before she even left the office. She called me on my cell to reassure me that everything was good to go.

I have never been so excited about a move. In fact I've always dreaded moving even though I've had to do it so much. If I count the small ones this will be move number 39. But as far as I'm concerned this is move number one. This is the one I've been waiting for.

I also got some really good compliments on my weight loss today.

Needless to say I'm in very good spirits, though it is being rather tempered with my guitar gear obsession. I've decided not to let it bog me down with the same old guilt and just allow reason to rule to keep me from doing stupid things, namely buying expensive pieces of gear right before a major move.

Though the deal is decidedly tempting.

If it goes through I'll write about it. If not, well, I probably still will...

Day 84: 5.5 miles in 90 minutes.

GS12!!!

Day 83

2010-11-01T08:03:00.002-05:00

I started the day out under 215. Very nice.

The day was very relaxing, though we did spend most of it discussing the upcoming move.

There's so much to think about and plan, but somehow it's not quite as daunting as I thought it would be. In fact I'm not really nervous at all. I'm really just excited and looking forward to it.

For the first time I'm moving into a job that might just not be a way station, and in a location that could very well end up being a long term settlement.

Why would I be nervous about that?

This is what I've wanted since day one of my preparation to join the Army nearly 12 years ago.

Every step I've taken on the treadmill has been leading me in this direction.

I definitely can't stop walking now!

Day 83: 5.6 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 82

2010-10-31T11:37:00.002-05:00

215. Yeah, I'm officially under 220, and fast headed for 200. I'll be there before the new year. I've never looked more forward to a doctor visit.

All in all it was a great day.

I am dealing with the mixed emotions about the remote possibility that something could go south with this job offer before everything is confirmed and in writing. I know very well that nothing is going to go wrong, but every time I get excited about something I also get very leery. Great things have gone horribly wrong before.

It's not going to happen this time though. This move is exactly what we wanted.

I can't wait to get to work.

Day 82: 6 miles in 100 minutes.

Day 81

2010-10-30T09:39:00.002-05:00

Day one of limbo went relatively well, though I couldn't get a hold of anyone in DC and I spent most of the morning finding out that all of the cool 3BR unit apartments we had looked at were all rented out.

Still, I know that everything will work out fine, no matter how long it takes to get all of the paperwork processed. Of course I am hoping for sooner than later. It would be very nice to be out of here before the holidays.

I don't really put much stock in the whole holiday season, but this year we finally have a chance to spend some time with family. It would be perfect if we could spend that time in DC rather than here!

I've never been more excited about a move. I used to get all nervous about the logistics and all of the details, but this time it feels Ike we're going home even though we've never lived there before. It's not just the availability of all of the amenities, the shopping, the restaurants, and all of the cool things to see in town, it's that I'll be working in my dream location.

Ever since I started considering enlisting my hope was to eventually work at the pentagon as a civilian. My path has taken so many wild turns that at times it was almost dizzying, but nonetheless I still ended up right on track.

So this is what happiness feels like. Nice. I like it.

Day 81: 5.5 miles in 90:10.

My weight was 217.5 at bed time. Time to buy some new clothes.

Day 80

2010-10-29T11:19:00.002-05:00

What. A. Day.

I got 2 job offers for GS-12 positions, and a call for an interview for a third which happens to be a GS-13.

When it rains it pours.

I accepted the 12 in DC. I know it's more expensive to live there, but I know we can manage it just fine. We want access to the best school district in the country for our son, and it won't hurt my long term prospects to work at the Pentagon, to put it mildly.

I thought I was giddy a couple of days ago when I got my new Mesa 4x12 hooked up and jammed for the first time in months.

Not. Even. Close.

I'm beyond ecstatic.

I know I have to wait for all of the paperwork to be processed, but I'm confident that everything will work out swiftly and smoothly.

I'm also still under 220, even with a slight fluctuation. I'm guaranteed to have hit the 50 pound mark definitively by the time I see my doctor next. I could use some official kudos. Unofficial ones are great, but hearing an attaboy from your doctor, well, I can imagine it will be very nice.

Day 80: 5.4 miles in 90 minutes, plus a 3 minute CD.

Giddy.

Day 79

2010-10-28T08:16:00.002-05:00

My birthday came early.

A friend and coworker sold me his brand new Mesa/Boogie 4x12 Rectifier speaker cabinet for an unbeatable price. I hooked it up to my Mesa Mark IV and fired it up.

Oh. My. Gawd.

Think Mugatu from Zoolander: "It's BEAUTIFUL!!!"

The sound is amazing. I played longer than I have in months. It felt so good to be back in the proverbial saddle.

I'm giddy.

Even the strain of waiting to hear from all these jobs I've been referred to is paling in comparison to the sheer dope like high of playing guitar through a real rig.

The strain is intense, I'll give it that. Like Tom Petty said, the wait is the hardest part.

We'll move eventually, there's no doubt about it, so getting all messed up about the when is somewhat pointless. Besides, I have a 4x12 Recto cab!

My weight did fluctuate upwards a bit, but I'm still under 220. It might be time for another 8 miler, just to kick things into gear again. It seems to work pretty well.

Anyway, all in all it was a very good day yesterday. Yes, late again. Sue me. Nyah!

Day 79: 5.4 miles in just shy of 90 minutes.

Day 78

2010-10-26T23:10:00.002-05:00

I'm under 220. Woohoo!

It's about #$%^ time too.

At least now when I go back to the doctor I can show that I've lost over 50 pounds. I'm hoping my bp and blood sugar levels are more normal so I can stop taking these pills.

Of course I'll follow his guidance no matter what.

I came to terms today with one of the things that has been bothering me so much: my abstinence from guitar playing.

My parents raised me to believe that if I liked anything too much it was wrong. As a suspected Asperger my likes had a tendency to be rather specific and intense. There was nothing I could do to get away from the feeling that I was unhealthily obsessed with anything that ignited my passion.

Also, since the last time I played guitar seriously I played for a church. I don't attend church any more, and have no intention of ever doing it again, even though my whole life revolved around it for so long.

Inject religion into the mix and I have a recipe for overwhelming guilt.

Guilt be damned.

I love to ogle, design, buy, discuss, daydream about, and, yes, even play guitars.

Ladies and gentlemen, I, a 40 year old man who has finally allowed himself to enjoy what life has to offer without feeling utter condemnation, am the product of a fundamentalist Christian upbringing.

If you want to raise confused, socially inept, guilt-ridden, depressed, unhappy children, by all means, raise them in church. Home school them, even.

However, if you love your children let them experience the world as it was meant to be experienced: with open eyes, ears, heart, and mind; without preconceptions or prejudices.

Let them be who they are because they will never succeed at being something they're not.

Day 78: 5.4 miles in 90 minutes.

Achy. Bad weather.

Day 77

2010-10-26T08:27:00.003-05:00

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

The good: I weighed in under 220 for the first time in years. I've lost 50 pounds. I know it's just a number, but it's a nice big round number. I'm wearing size 36 pants, down from 42. My face is nowhere near as fat as it was. Walking over 5 miles a day no longer takes any effort and, unless I'm doing something REALLY interesting, which doesn't happen often, I actually look forward to it.

The bad: still no calls on the job front. The drive to buy another guitar I most likely won't play is getting extreme. I'm actually seriously considering paying to play EVE Online. I tried out a few words in Mandarin with one of the waitresses at a local Asian restaurant and failed miserably. At least one of those is a clear sign that depression is trying to creep back in.

The ugly: me. I don't think I'll ever be able to look in the mirror without seeing my father, especially now that I'm getting old, and being overcome with disgust.

Yeah, that issue isn't going away any time soon.

Day 77: 5.4 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 76

2010-10-24T23:25:00.002-05:00

I weighed myself just a little while ago, after my walk, and I was down to 221.5. I'm somewhat excited because it means that for the first time in years I might see numbers below 220 when I check my weight tomorrow morning.

*fingers crossed*

I've been referred for 5 webmaster positions now, three 12s and one 13. All but one are in San Antonio, Texas. From what I hear it's not a bad place to live. The other one, however, is in DC, specifically at the Pentagon. It would be expensive to live there, but great for my long term career.

What do I want, you ask?

I have no idea.

Pros for San Antonio over DC:
- Smaller town
- Tolerable commute
- Cheaper cost of living
- Good food
- Nice climate
- Slightly less political work environment

Pros for DC over San Antonio:
- Good for my retirement pay
- Higher profile position
- Closer to my brother and his family
- Highest locality pay area
- Not as much country "music"

Both have vast advantages over this place, namely opportunities for my wife to work and learn, and good schools for our son. Ultimately they're all that matter to me, and I absolutely must get them to a place where they can flourish.

Right now, all of the jobs I've applied for actually look pretty cool, so I'd take any of them. I just hope I can remember how to compose myself during an interview before the next phone call.

Day 76: 5.5 miles in 90 minutes

Day 75

2010-10-24T15:15:00.003-05:00

I guess tardiness is going to be my norm. Hey, at least I'm getting something written in the same century.

I'm still feeling like my happy pills are ineffective. The weight of being here and the possibility that we may not leave right away is taking its toll.

It's not that life is that horrible here, it's just that there's no chance of upward mobility. I could see coming here to finish out the last years of my career without any real responsibility, but not while I'm trying to experience all the world still has to offer me in what's left of my youth.

I'm not young any more though. 40, 41 in a couple of weeks. It's too late for me to start over from scratch, but it isn't too late for my wife. She still has time. But the longer we stay here the more the clock ticks away.

I also can't fathom sending my son to any of the schools here. Considering the caliber of people the local system produces there's no question that mediocrity would be the best he could expect out of his educational career.

I want the best for my family. This place is certainly not the worst, but it's so far from good that we may as well just home school him ourselves.

Ugh.

I need to be in a CITY.

*slaps self for the constant whining*

Day 75: 5.4 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 74

2010-10-23T11:43:00.002-05:00

Yeah, late again, but I was quite caught up in my trial of EVE Online and didn't notice that it was already 1:30 am before I knew it.

It's fun, I think. The learning curve is almost vertical, but, much to my wife's chagrin, it seems to be my style of game. I still have a few more days before I have to pay for it, so we'll see.

Yesterday I decided to see how far I could go in 90 minutes. I hit the 6 mile mark with about 10 seconds to spare. I guess I could do a 10k walk without any difficulties now.

My, how things can change quickly.

My clothes are practically hanging off of me, and I've dropped from size 42 pants to loose 38s, even a few size 36 jeans and cutoffs. All of my shirts have been 2XL for so long that I don't really have any to switch to. I might have to bite the bullet and buy a few for the interim. Once I'm at my target I'll be down to some very loose larges.

I still hope I can get off of this medicine. My stomach is just not liking me much. I don't even have to eat anything for it to get upset.

I'm also still hoping that my honesty hasn't ruined my chances at a way out of this hellhole again. I'm so upset about it right now that my happy pills seem. To be having no effect at all anymore.

Day 74: 6 miles in less than 90 minutes, plus a 2 minute cool down.

Day 73

2010-10-21T22:14:00.002-05:00

It figures. I start applying for jobs as if my life depend on it, which, to an extent it does, and the doctors my wife works for offer to put her in a higher grade job.

Yeah this time she had to be honest. The truth hurts, especially during the Spanish inquisition, but I don't really expect another one of those to occur any time soon.

I'm on the list for four of them and am still waiting for at least five more to close. At this point I'd probably take the first reasonable offer.

DC would be expensive, but it's very good for the long term, especially financially. San Antonio would be less expensive in the short term, but I can feel already that it would be just another stopover in our continuing journey to nowhere.

I'm not much of a southerner. I like people of other ethicities than mine, I support universal health care, and I'm most definitely not Baptist. I do, however, support the right to bear arms, I hate abortion even though I believe that it is necessary in some cases, and I support the freedom of speech and religion.

But, and it is a big but, I do not believe that hate speech should be protected under the constitution, I know for a fact that an assault rifle is not the best weapon for hunting deer, and I firmly believe that no religious group should ever receive a tax exempt status.

Wow, that's just about the most I've ever written about politics.

Gah! I feel all dirty.

I need a shower!!!

Day 73: 5.2 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 72

2010-10-21T12:51:00.002-05:00

Yeah, late again. Oh well. I was tired, so there!

I got a call about one of the jobs I applied for, but as usual I allowed my extreme honesty to potentially jeopardize my chances at being offered the position.

The guy told me he had a few questions for me and then asked if I had any experience with SharePoint. I do, of course, but it's limited since our MACOM decided to centralize everything and not to allow subordinate units to run their own pages, and then didn't give me access for well over a year.

I told the guy the truth. I'm fully trained, and I'm working on our portal now.

His "few" questions suddenly turned into just the one and the conversation was basically over.

I'm not about to lie about my skill set, but I guess my version of honesty is a little to heavy on information generosity.

The worst part is that it was the job I had a really good vibe about.

Being stuck here because I keep telling the truth is like going to hell for being good.

I was clearly not built for human interaction.

The walk? 6 miles. I would have done a 10 mile punishment walk, but I started quite late. Grocery night does that to us sometimes. I did crank up the pace to 3.8 though and maintained it up to the 5.75 mile mark.

But in all fairness I did get punished anyway today. One of the new Atkins Diet bars I got triggered an allergic reaction and my insides have been churning all day.

Yay.

Double yay.

Day 72: I suck, and I walked 6 miles in just shy of 96 minutes.

Day 71

2010-10-19T22:29:00.002-05:00

Hey, wasn't I just here?

I've been referred for a few jobs, one in particular that I had a good vibe about the moment I read the position description. I'm really hoping for this one to pay off.

What I'm really hoping for is to see financial results, similarly proportional to my weight loss results, from the anoint of hard work I've put in over these past few years as well as the myriad applications I've submitted.

I've been walking A LOT, and my efforts are showing. I want my bank account to reflect the quality and quantity of my work, my attention to detail, and my dedication to ensuring that my customers have their needs met properly and in a timely manner.

OK, so that windfall would be nice, and in a sense I have progressed rather fast in the GS ranks, but I'm worth the pay, and then some. I have far more to offer than just web page design and file format conversions. I hope that some day soon the right person or people notice.

I should probably cut this short since my wife is having trouble getting to sleep with my iPad lighting up the whole room.

Day 71: 5.5 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 70

2010-10-19T22:16:00.002-05:00

Another round number. Ooh, aah.

OK, and I'm a day late. A whole day, in fact, since I'm about to pen day 71's notes right after this.

It was a strange day yesterday though. I felt some of the effects of depression creeping back in, namely my belief that somehow, someday, I'll catch a major financial windfall, be it a lottery win, a massive find, or the extreme generosity of an as of yet unknown to me benefactor.

I've had this for a while; this asinine expectation that I would some day no longer have to work for a living, and that I would be so well to do that I would never have to worry about money again.

Now that's not a bad thing to hope for, well, dream about, but to carry it along as some fervent expectation.... To be honest it feels like a remnant effect of having been a member of a faith and prosperity movement church for a few years. It's a hard one to relinquish, almost on par with the hope for an eternity in paradise in the afterlife.

Who would want to give up on that one?

I used to think of myself as a dreamer, but frankly I'm more of a pipe dreamer.

Reality sucks. I like fantasy much better.

But hey, if this weight loss thing is any indication, there's at least one part of me that firmly believes that results come from hard work and consistency, not miracles.

Day 70: 5.5 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 69

2010-10-17T22:46:00.002-05:00

I didn't go back to the guitar design today. I hate to admit it, but as soon as something feels like work I let it go, even if it's my favorite thing in the world.

I don't know if that's why I haven't played guitar in so long, but I'm about to the point where my recent music related purchases have no justification whatsoever. Any more and I'd say that I'm being criminally irresponsible with my cash.

I have high hopes that Rondo Music will make a production 10 string guitar. I'd sell half of my collection to finance it. I'll admit too that I'd be doing it so that I wouldn't have quite as many unused instruments in the house.

That Steinberger cello certainly isn't playing itself.

I'm really tired of the obsession crap. I like playing guitar. I do. I love designing them too. I just know that no matter how much I practice or how many designs I come up with it's unreasonable to expect that I'll ever do it for a living. Besides, it would then be work, and, as I said, I would let it go.

Maybe, just maybe, I can somehow convince myself to make a habit of playing just like I did with the treadmill thing. I don't know what kind of goal I could come up with to motivate myself, but I really should try.

Anyway, my weight was still down this morning. It's really good to know that within a week or so I'll be definitively below 220, and on my way to cracking the next round number. I can't wait to break 200. It WILL happen.

Day 69: 5.25 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 68

2010-10-16T23:55:00.002-05:00

221.5 this morning. I'm officially the lightest I've been since we got back to the States in March of '08.

While it is an accomplishment, I'm still only halfway to my target. I feel like I've been halfway there for a while now. I know it's not the case, but I can't help but feel that i'm progressing more slowly than I could if I were really applying myself.

Seriously though, I could do more, but why? I've lost almost fifty pounds in just over two months by diet and walking alone. I'm giddy! This kind of lifestyle is so easy to maintain that it's almost a joke. It's quite sad that I didn't get busy with it a long time ago.

Oh well....

It's been a chill day. Besides the frustration I've been having with the harp guitar design and trying to get it to stop looking like there's something wrong with it, it's been a very nice and relaxing day. I ate too much for dinner but I'll get over it, eventually.

Potential good news on the job front. I made the list for a job I actually wanted. *knocking on wood*

San Antonio. I guess I could get used to living there. hehe

I'm tired so I think I need to call it a night.

Day 68: 5.4 miles in 95 minutes, including CD.

Day 67

2010-10-15T23:16:00.002-05:00

Friday at last! No plans for the weekend besides much relaxation and several miles on the treadmill.

Who'd a thunk it, eh? Moi looking forward to exercise.

I can't help it, I'm not even halfway to my goal. I'm still quite the blubber ball. My face seems to be the last bastion of fat resistance too. Well, that and my spare tire.

Yeah I do see the progress. It's a bit hard not to, especially since I've had to drop from size 42 pants to very loose 38s, even some 36s. My shirts are starting to look more like tents than proper work attire. Ask me if I care though. I'm not buying any more clothes until I start looking like I'm wearing charity hand-me-downs.

I am hoping for sooner than later though.

I got "inspired" today. I drew out a solid body electric harp guitar. It is very much a work in progress, but I really like what I'm seeing so far. I am admittedly biased, but hey, I design what I would like to play.

Again though, I'm not sure if I like the instruments or the music more, and I honestly don't know if a harp guitar would be something I'd get in to even if I weren't in the middle of a total dry musical blackout. But hey, it's just a drawing, right?

As if.

I imagine myself playing all different kinds of guitars, but all seven of mine are just sitting there unused in my back room. And, of course, i'm still daydreaming about more.

I've been practically obsessed with the concept of the ten string guitar for so long now that (warning, incoming excuse for my not playing regularly) playing anything else seems utterly uninspiring.

Sometimes, however, it just seems that I get more enjoyment out of playing a video game or watching cheesy sci-fi shows than I do in going through the whole process of getting my rig fired up and ready to play. Even though it sounds divine once it's up and running I lose whatever inclination to play I might have been able to muster by being annoyed at the process of turning everything on.

Yeah, lame, I know.

It's rather annoying being me.

Day 67: 5+ miles in 90 minutes.

Call me guitarded.

Day 66

2010-10-14T23:09:00.002-05:00

Short weeks are the longest. I don't know how it works, but the perceived passage of time is far slower and more arduous than a normal 5 day work week. I guess it could be because our system knows what day it is, but when our first day in the week is a Tuesday our minds think it's Monday.

By the time Thursday rolls around our perceptions are completely out of whack and we are thinking it's Wednesday even though we consciously know it isn't. We assume the week is dragging when in actuality we're right on track.

OK, that was somewhat pointless, but I have to write words on this page and that's what came out without giving it any real thought.

Couldn't tell, eh?

The day was good though. I got that small sense of accomplishment I mentioned yesterday by completing the file reduction that I got from my wife. 13MB down to 345k. Yeah.

*pats own back*

It's really nothing, but it was fun and easy and my wife's gratitude was VERY rewarding. I love doing things for her, but it really ices the cake when she thanks me; especially when there's an audible smile in her voice.

I live for it actually. I want nothing more than to please my wife and to be a good father to my son. They are my world.

'Nuff said.

Day 66: 8 miles in 140 minutes.

Day 65

2010-10-13T23:17:00.002-05:00

Work, work!

The day went by pretty well since I stayed busy. I like having work to do. Completing a task gives me great satisfaction. Most of what I do is so simple and quick because of the groundwork I laid to streamline the processes I employ on a daily basis.

Sometimes, however, I take on assignments that are less than routine, and I welcome them because of the challenge and the deviation from the norm.

My weight is still fluctuating. It will be a lot less frustrating when it's fluctuating in the low 170s rather than the mid 220s. But even so it was to be expected.

I'm feeling relatively well, all things considered. The Metformin is still wreaking havoc on my bowels. Some days are quite a bit better than others. Today isn't one of those days, but having grown somewhat accustomed to this state of affairs I don't find myself unduly upset by yet another bout of intestinal discomfort.

Hey, at least I'm not waking up at 0300 with my throat on fire and chunks of my dinner lodged in my sinus cavities. There's that, eh?

I still sleep with the wedge, but it's more precautionary than requisite at this point. I could do without, but I'm still a bit leery.

I'm still hurting from pushing myself over the long weekend. I've had to start doing yoga-ish stretches to help my hip flexors. Not taking a day off for all this time has had a lingering effect. I've kept my pace and duration down to what I've determined is my bare minimum: 5 miles at 3.5 mph. It's enough to get through two TV show episodes and have a quick 5 minute cooldown.

My knees aren't hurting like they were, though, nor is my foot. The new shoes are really doing the trick for me.

Now I just need a GS13 job offered to me. Have I mentioned that before?

Day 65: 5+ miles in 90 minutes.

Day 64

2010-10-12T22:48:00.002-05:00

Another day, another 5+ miles.

Oh, I almost forgot, the roller coaster is still going, if for no other reason than the fact that we're still here.

Surprised? Nor am I.

Change is a constant, but sometimes it's too minor to detect. I would say trivial, but even the smallest of proverbial pebbles can cause significant ripples in life's pond.

Times like these, however, it seems to require more faith to believe that positive forces exist than to believe that they are at work in our favor.

I acknowledge that a positive attitude can affect one's surroundings, especially considering the monumental influence that environment has over evolutionary processes. Fostering positivity, even feigned and superficial, can set in motion favorable situation mutations.

Some of us need these simple truths explained to us by people we trust implicitly: ourselves.

Day 64: 5+ miles in 90 minutes.

Day 63

2010-10-11T20:50:00.002-05:00

Welcome to another episode of what is surely known by now as the roller coaster of Eric's emotional states! On today's ride we feature a near total breakdown, a couple of 360 degree loops of instability, and, finally, an harrowing corkscrew of despair.

So, uh, yeah. I walked. La dee frikkin' dah! Ooh, but Ah went fa-yust! That was local speak for the overeducated who insist on preserving the monosyllabic nature of single-syllable words.

Ah went so fa-yust that it hurt lahk hey-yull!

I walked. Something new and different. I weighed myself. Nothing new and different.

That's not what I really care about though.

This place is finally starting to kill me. It's actually more like day 942 than it is 63, but I'm trying to count a number that represents something a bit more positive than another one of my many descents into insanity.

This place is tearing away at us. Killing our relationship from the inside. We have no one to lash out at but each other. There's no release. There's only so far away from here that we can drive in a day without having to turn around and head back, most certainly none the merrier.

People come here to die.

This was not my choice, but it is my fault. I'm trying to get us out of here, but I fear that even if I were to succeed it would not be enough. The damage is done. I will never be able to forgive myself for allowing us to come here and stay here as long as we have. These are years we will never be able to recover. Our lives will be forever tainted by the foul stench of this awful place.

I fear that this place will have a more intense and lasting effect on me than the time I spent homeless and the years I lived in public housing thereafter.

The damage is done.

Day 63: 6.25 miles in 100 minutes.

Blah, blah, blah.

Day 62

2010-10-10T22:55:00.002-05:00

I did it! I reached goal #1! I did the 2.5 mile walk in 34:54, over one minute less than the Army standard for my age group. It's hard to conceive the pace that young people with injuries have to maintain just to pass a WALK test!

Injured Soldiers forced to walk at those insane paces... because they're INJURED??? It's a total setup for failure. Once your body has outlived its usefulness the Army no longer wants you.

No military force in the world values mental acuity when a volunteer's physicality is limited. Or could I just be generalizing based on my own experiences?

Nah. I forgot. Disabled, overweight, and physically unfit people are utterly useless.

Sarcasm aside I actually do feel useless as an overweight person. I'm not of the "you gotta love me for who I am" school of thought. I'm more of a "don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I'm fat" kinda guy.

If I can't stand what I see in the mirror I don't exactly expect anyone else to feel any differently about me. In fact, I generally assume that people share my disgust.

I know that even as I shed the pounds I will still hold on to that hideous self image. It didn't leave me the first time. I know it won't change this time either. This time, however, I will use that disgust as a motivator, a tool, of sorts, to keep myself from ever going down that path again.

I'm happy with my progress, but I'm not halfway to my target. I have a long way to go. Fortunately I have been able to keep myself going these past two months with only one day of reprieve. I'm not about to let up my pace any time soon.

Day 62: 5.5+ miles in 90 minutes.

Day 61

2010-10-10T19:50:00.003-05:00

Another tardy update.

Yesterday finally fely like a real Saturday. We went out to the movies, had a bunch of pop corn and Coke Zero, and then went to Outback for some surprisingly decent food and service.

Good food and service have seemed so rare here lately that we're almost completely convinced that mediocrity is the acceptable norm throughout the entire state. People just don't seem to care at all. It's evident in almost every facet of their lives.

OK, enough of the "poo on Louisiana" routine for now....

Still...

Nah.

The movie was a pleasant surprise. It was an Americanization of a Swedish vampire movie, called Let the Right One In, that we saw on Netflix and really enjoyed. The redo, retitled, Let Me In, was so faithful that it felt like we were watching the same movie. Only a few things changed, but they changed for the better.

A couple of previews looked good too, but don't they always? The surprise is usually a negative one when you spend good money to find out that the best parts were in the trailers.

I walked for the same duration, only a slight bit faster. I hit the 5 mile mark at 79 minutes. Not too bad.

Day 61: 5.5 miles in 90 minutes.

I'm closing this because I have another one to write later, unless I forget....

Day 60

2010-10-09T00:10:00.003-05:00

Another round number. I figured I'd go for one on the treadmill too. 10 miles. OK so I hurt, but it was worth it, if only to say that I did it; which is obviously not worth much to anyone but myself. It's not as though anyone other than me is reading this.

No round numbers on the scale, but the readout was quite pleasing anyway. I'm about to weigh less than I have in 8 years.

I'm still the same person on the inside. I still see the fat guy in the mirror in my mind's eye. I always did. That's why even when I got so small before I enlisted I never really felt good about myself.

Sure my confidence level was through the roof, but it didn't change the way I perceived myself. I guess I just learned act on the way others perceived me.

No one knew that ever since I was 12 years old I've seen myself as this overweight slob.

I've always hid my weight relatively well, at least until I became too huge to hide anything anymore. Even then no one would guess that I weighed 270.

Now, at 226.5, yes, I'm counting the half pounds, people still think I weigh less than I do. I don't know how though, because I still see that fat face in the mirror and wonder if I'm ever going to lose enough to be able to stand seeing my reflection.

How my wife has put up with this thing that I am, I will never know.

Day 60: 10 miles in 3 hours.

I'm tired, aching, and a bit cranky. Maybe a really violent vampire movie like Let Me In will make me feel better. Bring on the pop corn and Coke Zero!

Day 59

2010-10-08T01:21:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's late. I guess I got caught up in my guitar gear fetish again and was adding things to a wish list for a contest on a popular retailer's website. I would have been fine and done a long time ago, but their site isn't working very well at all. Seems as though the webmaster only tested it on IE. Booooo! I only use that piece of junk at work and only when I have to. Otherwise I use Chrome, Firefox, or, on my iPad, Safari.

It's still funny to think back a few years at how disinclined I was to learn the ins and outs of computers. I hadn't even tried any real games until the middle of 2000, when my wife introduced me to Diablp II. Around the same time a friend of mine showed me how to build web sites from scratch by viewing the source of a simple page and learning the basics by copying the syntax.

Now here I am getting paid comfortably to work with and on computers all day. I've even become a decent graphic artist. I love using Adobe Illustrator and Fireworks. I use them for all of my guitar designs now.

Today was a nice day. I got to hang out with the guys over lunch. We had a great time. We all get along very well at work and I consider some of them to be good friends. I don't use that term loosely.

I started late today but still went my usual distance. I was encouraged by all of the positive comments I've been getting from people at work. I guess my weight loss is really starting to show. I'm not even halfway to my goal, which freaks some people out. Many have warned me not to get too skinny. Skinny feels far better than fat.

Day 59: 5.3 miles in 90 minutes.

TGIF

Day 58

2010-10-06T22:42:00.002-05:00

Back to work.

Yeah, busy, busy today. The most fun part was when I renamed an entire cluster of files and reformatted all of the corresponding hyperlinks to reflect a proposed name change for one of the hospital divisions. Two hours later I found out that the change had been cancelled by the senior leadership. Yay!

Actually the true fun part was donning a bunny suit with matching hat and shoe coverings to test a networking device in the operating rooms. That's the first time I ever did something like that. I admit, I savored it and stayed long enough to "make sure" that my readings were correct. *wink, wink*

The little guy is still coughing up his lungs but he's in really good spirits so I know he's getting better. He keeps talking about going to the movies. He doesn't care what we go see as long as he gets pop corn and maybe some candy. He gets to hold the bag too and I know he likes that.

My weight fluctuated again, but I'm not upset about it. This happens. My clothing is practically falling off of me now, which speaks volumes more than the readout on our scale.

I did get shot down for a GS13 position, but I was not exactly wanting to go to Ft. Bragg, so I'm not upset about that either. I'm still hoping to hear from Germany, but there have also been a couple of promising positions lately which I would love to fill.

No matter what, and I say this without any certainty at all, we'll probably stay for a while at our next post. Part of me wants to stop moving, but another part knows that I might just never be happy anywhere. I still think of Paris as home even if I haven't lived there in 21 years. Of course I could just be holding on to it for added cool points....

I loved Atlanta, but I don't think I'd want to move back. It's where my first marriage ended, and it's also the last place I actually enjoyed playing guitar. Being that it was at a church and I have no intention of ever going back to one, needless to say, the memories are somewhat sour.

I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere where we'll have ready access to all of the amenities we value, with a racially diverse population, good shopping and entertainment, and close proximity to a major airport. In short, a CITY, not some dilapidated rest stop on the highway between Hades and Gehenna.

To the locals, I do not apologize, I loathe this place with a passion. It is the way that it is because you let it be this way. You like things like this. Like pigs wallowing in mud and filth, you wonder why anyone would want to live any other way.

This place is a disgrace and a poignant testament to the collective illusion of greatness in which so many uneducated conservative-propaganda-swilling American nationalists revel.

Call me liberal, socialist, un-American, or whatever, but I have seen this nation from beyond its borders; I have seen it through the eyes of a foreigner, and as an American I HATE what I see.

Religion has poisoned the land I loved.

Day 58: 5.5+ miles in 100 minutes.

"I like your God, but your Christianity can suck a golf ball through a garden hose."
-Gandhi, paraphrased

Day 57

2010-10-05T22:29:00.002-05:00

I had to take the little guy to the doctor today. His cough just hasn't gotten any better, in fact it sounds like his chest is congested. The doc gave him some good stuff though so I'm sure that in a few days he'll be fine.

While I was there I took the opportunity to weigh myself on their scale, mimicking the scenario of my previous check-up. I weighed in at 230 fully clothed, which means that according to their scale I've lost a full 40 pounds!

On our home scale I lost a pound from last night to tonight, bringing me down to 227.

I might just be able to give myself a nice Christmas present this year: a body weight of less than 200 pounds. It will be the first time in almost 10 years. It's something to look forward to at least.

Not much to say about the day besides the fact that I had 28 emails in my inbox when I went in to check my work computer this afternoon. A good amount of it was work too. I'll be busy tomorrow morning, but hey, I'll be awake... in part.

I'm anticipating the "need" for a diet Dew by mid morning. Yes, "need." Now try and imagine that without the quotation marks and you'll see how I feel about the stuff.

I didn't go for 8 miles tonight, but I know that I could have had I wanted to spend the entire evening ignoring my family. That, and I got started late. I was busy looking for GS12 and 13 slots.

*knocking on wood*

Day 57: 5.3 miles in 90 minutes.

Day 56

2010-10-04T22:40:00.003-05:00

Maybe it has something to so with my having stayed home from work today to look after my son, but I had enough energy in me to go at least twice as far as I usually do. Unfortunately I didn't really have the time. Still, a nearly painless 8 miles is no small feat considering that it's only day 56.

I feel great physically. My foot stopped hurting in no small part due to my new Asics shoes. They fit my feet better than any other shoe I've tried. Of course I got some serious arch support insoles. Without them my feel always feel like they're about to collapse.

A quick plug for the locals: the girls at the Finish Line store at the Alexandria mall were extremely patient and helpful. I'm a guy, at least that what my wife says, and shoe shopping is not exactly what I call fun. They made it as painless as possible and for that I am sincerely grateful.

I almost missed going to work today, but it was fun to hang out with my little guy even if he was somewhat sick. We watched the first Harry Potter. He's a bit young to get the concept, but he did enjoy it for the most part. He was surprisingly attentive and commented a lot on what he was seeing. That made it even more fun.

Hearing how my son perceives things is utterly fascinating. He notices details that are otherwise not readily apparent. Often he points out things I hadn't even noticed. He has an extremely keen eye and some serious attention to detail. He's not yet sure how everything fits together and a lot of things don't yet make sense to him, but I can tell already that he's more brilliant than I ever hoped to be.

It's all from his mom. She's more brilliant than she'll ever admit. Smarter than most people I know and most definitely wise beyond her years. After 10 years together I'd still rather talk to her all day than even play a single note on my guitar.

Well, I'd better get to bed 'cause I'm starting to feel a bit hungry.

Day 56: 8+ miles in 140 minutes.

Oh, and the scale told me that I'm back on track. Yes, we're on speaking terms again. 228, baby! Yeah!

Now for a GS13 slot....

Day 55

2010-10-04T12:30:00.002-05:00

Yeah, late again. Oh well. It was getting really late really fast last night. We were having fun playing Final Fantasy XIV. I heard somewhere that role playing can be good for a relationship. I'm not sure that an MMORPG was the intended method, but it was still plenty of fun to play together.

Most of the games we've played recently have either bored us to tears, or have only appealed to one of us over the other. Ever since we quit playing WoW, thank god for that, we've stayed away from the whole thing, but we do remember fondly the times before it became a total chore to log in.

I have a lifetime subscription to Star Trek Online but haven't touched it in quite a while. It was never something that would appeal to her, and frankly once you've leveled a character to the level cap, which takes about 3 weeks if you take your time, there's no real reason to keep playing at that point.

Sure flying around in a space ship and pew pewing at stuff was fun for a while, but it is so repetitious that it felt like work long before it ever should have.

Anyway, last night the internet speeds were so bad that I just watched a movie I had on itunes. It was cheesy and goofy but it lasted 90 minutes which was all I really cared about.

All in all it was another typical Leesville Sunday: despair, claustrophobia, hopelessness, and the eternal conflict of deciding which of the two marginally tolerable local restaurants should receive our hard earned money in exchange for their almost edible food.

The western themed restaurant, Wagonmaster, ultimately won over the generic Asian restaurant, Hana. At least the guys at Wagonmaster know how to bake rolls.

Day 55: 5+ miles in 90 minutes.

Mmm! Rolls!

Day 54

2010-10-03T00:15:00.002-05:00

What a day.

Our son was bound and determined to utterly enrage us today. There was not a single thing we could do to get him to pay any attention to what we were telling him, let alone cooperate with us.

The food at Olive Garden was horrid. My chicken slabs were dry and tough. My wife's salmon was so tasteless that she actually peppered it, something she NEVER does. Our broccoli was complete junk. Our server basically threw the food at us, and didn't even check to see if we were enjoying the food before she handed us the check and started taking our half full plates away. The only redeeming element of our meal was the soup, though it was decidedly devoid of substance.

I don't think we'll be going back there, ever.

The upside of the day was that the three cds I recently ordered came in yesterday and they turned out to be some of the best I have ever bought. Devin Townsend's Addicted, Animals as Leaders' debut instrumental, and Opeth's Ghost Reveries. Simply perfect music, all of it.

We got back from Lake Charles rather late but I still did my five miles. I checked the scale contrary to what I had said and it looks like I'm back on track. I expected to be thoroughly disappointed but it was not the case.

Now all I need is a GS13 position. Well, maybe not ALL I need but it's a start.

Day 54: 5+ miles in 90 minutes.

Day 53

2010-10-01T23:54:00.002-05:00

Finally, it's Friday. It actually felt like one too, but not in the sense that 4:30 took way too long to arrive, but more like there wasn't enough time to accomplish all of the things that needed to be done. Days like that are really good to have every once in a while.

I did a bit better on tracking the diet since I picked up the carb tracker app last night. I was right on track today. No guilt, well, at least not about my food intake. Yeah, I had a diet Dew, but that stuff is so good to me that I don't even feel guilty about drinking it. Nyah!

I'm going to try and avoid looking at the scale for a while. I knew I'd get all frustrated the moment my weight fluctuated in the wrong direction. I'm pretty easily frustrated anyway, so I know better than to set traps for myself along the way.

In IT terms, self-inflicted denial of service.

I'll know I'm doing well once my pant size decreases again, and once the comments from my coworkers increases in frequency. Oh, and when the doc says, "good job!"

I only walked for the duration of two episodes again tonight, but hey, it was still five miles. It has to count for something. Doesn't it?

OK, sleepy time.

Day 53: 5 miles in 90 minutes, including CD.

zzzzzzzzz

Day 52

2010-10-01T08:48:00.002-05:00

I'm late. So sue me.

What can I say? I was tired last night and wanted to get to bed. Well, that and I was too busy trying to figure out one of the puzzles on the iPad game, Geared, to realize how late it was getting. Mostly that.

It was an interesting day. I learned something about myself that sort of surprised me. I won't go in to any gory details, but I think I'm finally showing progress in a part of my personality that had bothered me for some time.

Work was tough. It wasn't the workload so much as the fact that my sugar dropped to a point where I basically passed out at my desk. I could not stay awake at all.

I found an app on the app store to help me track my diet, and so far it seems that I've stayed pretty much on track. I was surprised to discover that I'm only taking in about 1500 calories. Considering that I burn off over a third of that amount every time I walk on the treadmill I'd dare say that I'm doing some things right.

I need to watch the fat and carbs a bit better, but for the most part I'm on track.

My wife told me not to punish myself with another 8 mile walk so I only went for the duration of 2 episodes; basically 90 minutes, including a short cooldown after the credits rolled on the second.

No pain. Very nice.

Day 52: 5+ miles in 90 minutes, including CD.

Day 51

2010-09-29T22:07:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm still a Dewd. What can I say? I was passing out at my desk. It wasn't for lack of anything important to do either! I was simply bottoming out. My ever so helpful coworkers did their best to convince me that one wouldn't hurt me in the long run, especially considering that it's the diet version, but, well, let's just say that I have more confidence in their knowledge of work related specialties than of their supposed nutritional expertise.

That, and I'm sort of stubborn.

So as punishment I decided to watch 3 full episodes of Stargate Atlantis during today's walk.

I think I'll be popping a pain pill before bed tonight.

At least the scale showed that I had made a slight recovery from yesterday's weight fiasco, just not enough to cut myself any undue slack. I'll probably go for 3 episodes tomorrow as well. Maybe I'll do it until I feel like I'm back on track; however long that takes.

I mean business. I want this weight gone. I want to hear my doctor tell me, "looks like we can take you off of Metformin!"

I've already come up with a plan for keeping the weight off once I've met my goal. I'm going to participate in as many long distance walks as I can. Be it charity events, friendly competitions, or social activities, I'll be sure to sign up for as many as I can. That way I'll have to stay in good shape for good!

It's a plan at least. I just know how easy it is to get comfortable and let the good habits die off one by one until you're back to wondering why you can't stand seeing yourself in the mirror.

Day 51: 8 miles + CD in 140 minutes.

Yeah, I ache.

Day 50

2010-09-28T21:25:00.001-05:00

Oh, wonderful. A round number for an as of yet round moi.

OK, so I know that weight fluctuates, but this time it was by three whole pounds. Not. Happy.

This time I'm definitely starting to pinpoint possible culprits, the prime of which is yours truly.

Diet MTN Dew. God, that stuff is so good that I imagine crackheads looking at a "dewd" like myself with a certain amount of sympathy; pity, even. But I know that I know that I know that soda, diet or not, is the fastest diet killer there is. And yet i continue to do the Dew. It's what "dewds" do.

Culprit #2, actually that would be #3 counting myself, would be the metric tons of rice I've been eating at our favorite generic Asian restaurant. I say generic because it refers to itself as a Japanese restaurant, but most of the employees are either Chinese or Thai. And the food, well, we'll just call it Asican. It's what Americans think all them fur'ners up yonner in Asialand eat when they dine out.

Mostly it's rice with various different edible garnishes, decorated somewhat inappropriately with the odd maraschino cherry.

#4? Sugar free candy, to the order of two per day. 2. I know, right? I should have my jaw wired shut!!!

So yeah, Dew, rice, and a couple of pieces of sugar free candy, and I fluctuate well past what I consider to be an acceptable amount.

Oh, I almost forgot culprit #5! I'm only walking 90 minutes per day. 5 miles? I may as well be sitting on my lazy backside watching TV just like I did before I decided to put my treadmill to use. I mean, you know, if you want results from walking and diet alone you should be walking at least 26 miles every sinlge day. How can I possibly be expected to lose another ounce unless I'm competing in a full blown marathon at least twice a day?

Seriously, just because I'm 40, completely out of shape, and in a lot of pain, doesn't mean that I should not be able to run a 5 minute mile without breaking a sweat.

So Dew, rice, sugar free candy, sloth, a poor grasp of linear algebra, and total ignorance of my latent telekinetic abilities, have all contributed to this unacceptable step, leap rather, in the wrong direction.

Shame on me.

49 steps forward and one step back. God help me recover that which I have lost!!!

Day 50: 5 miles in 86 minutes, plus a 4 minute CD.

Today's word of the day: sarcharisma. n. The ability to employ sarcasm as a tool to unite people rather than to divide them.

Day 49

2010-09-27T22:21:00.002-05:00

Going back to work today went pretty much as I expected it to go. Fortunately it was busy, at least in the morning, so the day flew by quite fast. I did a lot of running around, which I used to dread, but now I welcome knowing that the walks can only do so much. I'd do a lot more during the day if I could make the time.

I do have an under-desk pedal exerciser. I guess I should be putting it to use. After all, lately it's been more of a cubicle ornament than a functional piece of equipment.

I'm really tired tonight, so I'm a little low on witticisms. Suffice it to say that I did my duty, both at work, and at home, and found myself utterly unfulfilled as a result. Not that I expected some sort of epiphany, mind you.

It's not even that late, but I need to sleep.

Day 49: 5 miles in 90 minutes, including CD.

Oh, and... Zzzzzzzzz

Day 48

2010-09-26T23:03:00.002-05:00

So ends another barely tolerable Louisiana weekend. We were able to get out of town for a little while, but not out of state, hence the tolerability factor. No offense to the locals, but my wife and I are both from about as far from here as American born people can get; culturally, that is.

It's hard to fathom, but I think more highly of Huntington, WV, where I lived during the darkest time in my life, than I do of this place.

To anyone who reads this: don't let the Army send you to Fort Polk. Just don't.

Anyway, one positive factor about getting out of town was that the mall we went to had shoes that actually fit me and felt good for my long walks. My left foot still hurts, but I had been cramming into those narrow Nikes for a bit too long.

The walk felt short today though even though I went almost the same distance as yesterday. If that isn't an indicator of how well the shoes fit I don't know what is.

Strangely I'm not feeling any dread about going back to work tomorrow and reassuming my role as peon. I'm sure everything will go back to being as chaotic and unruly as before, but I'll at least know inside that for a brief moment in time things ran ever so slightly smoother.

Day 48: 5+ miles in 95 minutes, including 4 minute CD.

Oh, and the scale was nice to me this evening.

Day 47

2010-09-26T00:59:00.002-05:00

What a deliciously unproductive day! How sweet it is to sleep in and not be obligated to do anything of significance for an entire day.

We did spend some time trying to navigate Final Fantasy XIV, which neither of us has yet determined is fun or not. It came close to feeling like work. Most MMO games do. They eventually become a series of mandatory chores that we pay a company for the privilege to complete. Yes, it is as sad as it sounds.

To the wife's mild dismay, today's feature was the pilot for Stargate: Atlantis. She really doesn't like any of the series that spawned off of the success of the original movie. I don't mind for the most part, being a fan of the sic-fi genre and all, but it is definitely one of those things where I agree to disagree and she remains content in knowing that I am horribly mistaken.

It wasn't a bad show, at least not as far as mindless audiovisual backdrops to exercise routines go. I'm sure my having purchased speakers to amplify my iPad while on the treadmill will not make her giddy if I do decide to watch every episode that is available for streaming.

Hey, I don't question her tastes! OK, granted, her tastes are legitimately impeccable and beyond scrutiny, and, well, that's about all I can say about that without feeling a bit puerile for enjoying such mindless drivel as the Stargate spinoffs.

It was a good walk. On that point we can both agree without too much discussion.

We did go out for lunch, and as passable as the food is at the place we call, "the peanut gallery," every time we go there we're reminded that it is our only local option, besides the barely passable sushi joint we frequent weekly, for tolerable food. It reminds us of how much we despise this place and how cursed we feel for having been stuck here as long as we have.

One of the many reasons I'm walking is to give myself the brazen courage to do what it takes to get us the heck out of here before our lives wither away to nothing. It's been time to leave here since the moment we arrived.

Day 47: 5.5 miles in 105 minutes, with CD.

Come on, GS13!!!

Day 46

2010-09-24T22:26:00.002-05:00

Time for some new shoes. I had hoped that the ones I was using would loosen up a bit, but now the pain level is just a bit too high. Something to do tomorrow, I guess.

So, today was the last day of my playing boss man at work, and to top off the dismally anticlimactic vibe of the day I found myself a pound and a half heavier than yesterday.

I know it's nothing to get upset about, and I also know how to kick it back in gear, so no biggie.

As for kicking my career into gear, well, I have a few ideas of how to go about that too, but I think I'll keep them to myself. After all, I come here to discuss the past and the present. The future is on a need to know basis, and I don't need to know!

Today's movie was Coneheads, a true classic. Short but sweet, it carried me for just shy of 5 miles. My feet were grateful for the shorter duration. Man, they ache. I sure hope I can find shoes that fit my weird shaped feet. I guess I should just walk in and ask if they cater to large ducks.

Day 46: 5.25 miles in 100 minutes.

Quack!

Day 45

2010-09-23T23:15:00.002-05:00

So, uh, yesterday's post was a little bit on purpose; somewhat to demonstrate a point. When you're trying to reach a goal sometimes even the tiniest of setbacks seem like monumental disasters. It's so easy to lose focus and forget that you're in it for the long haul.

My weight loss has not, in fact, slowed down at all. I'm at 232 now, down from 264. I'm a few ounces shy of an average of 5 pounds per week. Not too bad at all.

These past several days I've actually been even more positive about possibilities than before. Well, at least until today, but I'll get in to that in a minute.

I've felt like I could accomplish anything; that I might even some day be promoted into a supervisory position at work and get a hefty raise. I've not doubted for a moment that I would make my weight target even faster than I did when I was preparing to enlist.

The guys at work have been great. Everyone was working together, helping each other out, and doing what it takes to get things done. Having an effect on the office atmosphere gives me quite the sense of fulfillment.

That being said, tomorrow is the last day. I've already seen how little of a long term effect positivity and courtesy have around my office. People are already convinced that the conflicts are here to stay and that no matter what they say to their supervisors their voices will never actually be heard.

Even as we're working together to get things done, the sense that by Monday all of the positivity in the office will have disappeared is inescapable. Even our happiest, most productive moments are tainted with the dread of what is sure to come Monday morning, bright and early.

I'd love to be able to lead on a more permanent basis. I know that I can inspire people, and I'm also quite allergic to BS. But the reality is that the positions of leadership in our section are filled. Period. Neither section chief is headed out any time soon, and unless I have something to add to my resume I can't exactly hope to be hired as a supervisor elsewhere.

I'm pretty well capped as a webmaster. Sure, every two years for the next 10 years I'll get a raise in the form of a step increase, but at that 10 year mark I would not be able to expect anything more than a cost of living increase, which, considering the current economic climate, is debatable.

So here I am, prepared to go back to work next week knowing that any positive inter-office relationships that were fostered during the chiefs' absence will be utterly and completely obliterated within the first 5 minutes of the day.

At least I was useful for 2 weeks.

Now I need sleep.

Day 45: 6.3 miles in 2 hours.

Day 44

2010-09-22T23:09:00.004-05:00

Well, it happened. I checked the scale again today after checking it last night, and sure enough I had not lost an ounce. It's so easy to let tiny things like that throw your confidence out of the window. That's why I told myself that I was not going to weigh myself. But did I listen? No, of course not!

So here I am analyzing every potential cause, wondering what I might have done different to cause such an horrible thing to occur. Could it be the diet soda? The sugar-free candy that I've allowed myself to eat one or two of per day? The small handfuls of peanuts that I ingest to stave off total starvation? The tuna sub on whole wheat bread? The reduced speed on the treadmill? The fact that all I do is walk, even if I'm averaging 5 miles per day?

Maybe I just reached my monthly weight loss quota and now have to wait until October to drop any more.

I know I could do more than I'm doing, but, seriously, wow, you know? I definitely shouldn't eat less! I probably could be slightly more conscientious with my lunch selections, but I'm already burning off at least a fourth of the calories I take in while I'm on the treadmill, if not quite a bit more than that.

The fact that only people who know I'm trying to lose weight have made any comments about my progress makes me think that the mirror isn't actually lying after all. If no one else can see it, it's certainly no wonder that I can't.

Sure, my wife says she can see it, and I know that she doesn't sugar coat anything for me to protect my ever so fragile feelings. If I don't take her word for it, I guess she could take it as disrespect. I know I would if the roles were reversed. But still, I'm huge and utterly disgusting to behold regardless of the number displayed on the scale's LCD screen. Even if it had changed today I'd still look exactly the same to myself in the mirror.

There's only been one time in my life when I remotely tolerated my appearance, and that was when I enlisted. I weighed 157 back then; the lightest I had been in over 15 years. I had literally worked my backside off to get ready for the Army. Even the guy who was issuing me my uniforms at basic training told me, "I don't know what size pants to give you, 'cause you ain't got no booty!". Hey, but I did have the makings of a decent six pack though!

Now I have a keg.

But, and it is a big one, I sleep through the night without having chunks of my dinner find their way into my sinus cavities after having been chased out of my stomach by a geyser of digestive acids, which, by the way, happen to not agree very well with my esophagus. My knees and joints may still hurt a bit, but I'm not out of breath by the time I get back to my car at the end of a work day. I, uh, last a bit longer, um, where, and when it counts, if you catch my drift....

So, the number on the scale didn't change. Oh freakin' well. It's not as if my self perception were going to be in any way affected by the loss of another pound. We'll see how I feel when size 32 pants start feeling a bit too baggy on me. Maybe then I'll permit a slight paradigm shift. Maybe.

Day 44: 5.5 miles in 111 minutes... maybe.

Day 43

2010-09-22T06:44:00.002-05:00

The scale must be lying. If it isn't I'm averaging 5 pounds per week of weight loss. At this rate I could reach my target weight in 5 months! If it is lying, however, I guess I'm going to need a new scale.

The mirror may also be lying. It's something I have to keep in consideration. I just can't see that I've already lost over 30 pounds. I'm still intolerably rotund and looking at myself in the mirror has not become any less of a horror-inspiring event than before.

I guess there may also be a third possibility: I might be lying to myself.

On one hand I could be completely deceiving myself into thinking that I hadn't gotten as huge as I actually was, which could explain the mirror's abrasive disposition and the fact that despite the significant number of pounds lost indicated on the scale, it only serve to show how much further i really have to go.

On the other hand I could just be fibbing about how much success I've actually had so far and should probably consider a little bit of self-congratulation.

Either way, had I been Catholic I might need to sneak into the confessional at my local parish and get some of this off of my chest.

But I'm not Catholic. In the Protestant evangelical world I grew up in, lying to yourself is not actually considered a sin. On the contrary, it appears to be the widely accepted norm.

Ooh, I went there.

Day 43: 5 miles in 100 minutes.

Still going slowly for now. My right knee thanks me.

Day 42

2010-09-20T23:27:00.003-05:00

The day seemed to fly by today. So much got done so fast this morning that before I knew it lunch time had already crept up on me. At least days like today feel semi-productive and offer some sense of satisfaction.

As far as the walk goes, I did as I said I would and slowed it down a bit. I dropped the speed to 3 mph and went for about 90 minutes, or for the duration of a quirky movie called, Noise. It was an odd one, but I do like Tim Robbins' acting for the most part so I was able to get through it without regretting my selection.

My joints seemed to be thanking me as I walked. It has been a while since I walked at that pace for anything other than a cool-down. Maybe one or tow more days like today and I'll be up for kicking it back in gear. Even though I still went 4.5 miles it still felt Ike a break.

No deep philosophical ideations this evening. Perhaps the milieu in which I'm typing is more suited to, shall I say, matter-of-fact-isms and brevity, most certainly of necessity. Though I will add that Doc Brown did conceive of the flux capacitor in a similar, insert quotation fingers here, laboratory.

I guess necessity is, after all, the mother of invention, though the pun might actually be lost on those who aren't versed in the French or Italian meanings of the word.

Elevators go up, and cigars produce ashes. Vive la France!

Day 42: 4.5 miles in 90 minutes.

Oh, and day 42 slipped right past me without offering any more insight on life, the universe, and everything, than I already had at my disposal. Maybe you simply can't solve any real problems with just potatoes after all.

Day 41

2010-09-19T22:14:00.002-05:00

I'm not 100% sure, but I might need to use Sundays as they were intended. I'm not dreading the walking, but my body is starting to feel the brunt of my intensity.

I don't want to take a day off. It would feel like taking several steps backwards. However, I'm no closer to reaching goal #1 when I'm unable to set the speed any higher because of the pain.

I think I need to slow it down for a few days; make it feel like a break without actually taking one.

Having already lost 27+ pounds I have no intention of relenting. I'm actually considering adding some other types of exercise to the mix to help things along, without, of course, reducing the walks at all.

I've been doing 6 miles per day these past few days, but even with the pain I still feel like it's not enough. Sure, the numbers on the scale seem to change every day, but the guy in the mirror still looks just about the same. Trust me, I'm beyond tired of looking at that horribly misshapen lump of blubber held together by hairy, stretched-out, and pale skin.

Yecch!

That being said, I've been down this road before. Even when the image in the mirror changes the one in my head is still the same. It's the hardest part of completely remodeling yourself: you can never quite erase the mental image upon which your self esteem is based. Maybe you can, but at least for me I know that even when I looked my best the horrible memories of my prior appearance were not enough to keep me from gaining it all back again.

This time has to be different. It's not longer a question of trying to live comfortably. It has officially become a life or death situation.

Diabetes. I know so many people who have the condition and learn to live with it. That's not good enough. I have to get rid of it.

So I walk. And God help me, I can't ever again consider stopping. Not even for one day.

Day 41: 6 miles in 100 minutes, including CD.

Day 40

2010-09-19T00:45:00.002-05:00

Day 40. We all love round numbers, don't we? It should be said, however, that it only feels like some sort of milestone because we deal in base 10 math. In base 16, or hexadecimal, it would be 28, and in binary, 00101000, neither of which look particularly round to the untrained eye. I guess 42 would make more sense since it implies a round number of weeks, 6, to be precise. Not to mention that it is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

But what a milestone it was. I celebrated by spending most of the day sprawled out on the couch and playing with my iPad. Seriously though, I didn't eve touch my computer. This thing does everything I need, and then some.

Now if I could just stop ITCHING!!! It's either the water or the medicine, and frankly I'd love to do away with both. The former would require a move to some place more civilized, while the latter is a matter of not getting fatter. See what I did there?

Anyway, it is late. Late, with a capital L, and not just because it was the first word in this sentence!

Day 40: 6 miles in just over 100 minutes.

Day 39

2010-09-17T23:50:00.002-05:00

So ended week one of my interim supervisory duties at work. It has been a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to next week. It will be a bit crazy since we're going to be short-handed, but that can be even more fun than ever. Yeah, I'm a glutton for punishment.

I like being busy though. I can't stand sitting at my desk waiting for work to come to me. In fact I usually don't. I have to keep busy or I will go nuts. Well, more nuts....

This week has definitely shown me that my rapport with the guys on the team is pretty solid. We get along quite well. That tends to be the case when communication stays open and no one is preventing them from doing their jobs by inundating them with trivial matters or lengthy discussions about office politics.

Who cares about the politics? The customer? Certainly not!!!

Even though the day went well I was still bushed when it came time to get on the treadmill. I had to reduce the speed st the 3 mile mark, but thankfully I was able to keep it at the slightly reduced speed for another 2.5 miles.

The movie? OSS 117, a French spoof of '60s spy movies. It was well liked by the Netflilx user base, but I found it a bit too stupid, even for an intentionally goofy movie. Of course, after watching Amelie last night, well, what can I say? It had neither heart nor brain.

Day 39: 6 miles in 103 minutes, including CD.

Oh, and I'm down to 237.5!!!

Day 38

2010-09-16T23:51:00.002-05:00

Another busy day playing Mr. boss man. It can feel a little overwhelming at times, especially when some things should have been explained in a little bit more detail prior to the switchover, but oh well. What can you do?

I'm winging it, but enjoying it.

I got started late on today's walk so I didn't exactly walk a marathon. The movie was Amelie, otherwise known as The Fabulous Destiny of Amelie Poulin. I spent most of the duration properly translating the subtitles. They were pretty bad. I do love the movie though. It's such a good picture of Parisian life. Lord, I miss France sometimes!

No offense to anyone who has never left the States, but to me the grass actually IS greener on the other side of the Atlantic. If there were a way to get back over there I wouldn't hesitate.

Nostalgia aside, I have something else to tend to first: my health. I know the confidence and bravado will return once I'm back at my fighting weight, so first things first.

Day 38: 5.25 miles in 91 minutes, including CD.

Vive la France!!!

Day 37

2010-09-15T21:56:00.002-05:00

It's hard to believe how much energy I've had today. I started out pumped and it never let up. Good thing too, because work was bizzay! It's been great though. Since I've been playing boss man with our supervisor out of the office I've actually felt involved in the process for once; as if my say might even matter!

I guess I like leadership because I enjoy fostering a peaceful and effective team environment. I like bypassing all of the usual BS and getting things done right; not because I'm right, but because doing things the right way should be a matter of pride for people who care about their jobs and the people they impact on a regular basis.

I like passion and enthusiasm, and I definitely love to share them with those around me, even if I'm often not so well met. Not everyone loves their job. Most people just do it for the paycheck. The trick is to inspire people to love the effect their level of service and performance has on those around them.

You either have personal pride or you don't. You can't force it on anyone. You can't teach it, and leading by example in the hope that others may glean from your own proportionally greater inner sense can lead to counterproductive levels of disdain and division.

What a good leader can offer his subordinates, however, is a tailored set of goals that specifically employ the strengths of the individual, then reward them for each accomplishment, no matter how minor, in a manner befitting their own proclivities.

This does naturally imply that the leader must know his subordinates enough to be able to cater to their needs.

Ah, but that requires a suspension of the bad kind of pride; a concept that most people who crave leadership in order to gain a sense of control over others are quite unwilling to entertain.

I don't want control. I just want to be happy and to help those around me be happy as well.

Day 37: 6+ miles in 100 minutes, including CD

Day 36

2010-09-14T22:48:00.002-05:00

Another busy day playing supervisor at work. At least the guys aren't giving me too much hades for it. It's enjoyable being part of the decision making process again. It makes me feel like my opinion actually matters, even if it really doesn't.

Hard to believe but I've lost another three pounds in just a matter of a few days. I hope I can keep up this pace. I'm not cheating on my diet, and I'm definitely not skimping on the walking so I guess all I need to do is just keep doing what I'm already doing.

I've evn dropped down another pant size! It's hard to believe that I'm back in a size 38. I want to get down to a loose 32 though so I do have my work cut out for me. No worries though, because this "lifestyle change" has not really been as tough a pill to swallow as that darn Metformin. I can't wait to get off of it. The constant sense of malaise from it is encouragement enough to keep moving.

Well, that and the fact that the guy in the mirror is slowly becoming more tolerable to the eyes.

My wife deserves to be with the guy she married ten long years ago. He was thin, confident, energetic, and full of life, hope, and passion. I hope that he's still in there'd, and fully intact.

Day 36: 7.3 miles in 130 minutes.

Again, not bad for a guy who used to just sit on the couch until it was time to sleep.

Day 35

2010-09-13T22:36:00.002-05:00

What an interesting day. I'm the "acting" supervisor at work while the boss is gone. Ooh... Aah... I'm confident that the guys can tell that I am not the type to get on some kind of power trip. Supervision is a job like any other. Besides, I've done all this before.

Still, even a temporary pseudo-promotion can ruffle some feathers. We'll see. I'm sure everything will be fine.

As far as the weight goes I'm finally starting to see a difference in my appearance. I'm definitely not where I want to be but it's been barely over a month. Even people at work are noticing. It's nice to hear kudos from people. It keeps me energized. Even if no one said anything I'd still be fine because I made the decision to go all the way with this. I'm going to get off of Metformin and I'm going to live a log and healthy, and happy, life, free from diabetes.

I know I can do this.

Today's movie was X-Men. No need to go into a description of that one. I really just picked it because I was taking too long to decide what to watch. It was there so I clicked on it.

I set the speed at 4mph and was able to go a full 4 miles without reducing it. Heck yeah. At that point I dropped it to 3.5 and went another mile. Ultimately I went 6+ miles in 100 minutes, including a decent CD. Not bad at all. I'm really close to goal #1. Progress is awesome.

Wee, it is sleepy time now. I think my wife would like for me to turn off my iPad...

Day 35: 6+ miles in 100 minutes, including CD.

If I can keep up this weight loss rate I'll be under 200 before the new year! Woohoo!!

Day 34

2010-09-12T22:51:00.002-05:00

I still itch, but at this point I'm not convinced it's the meds. I sweat a lot when I walk; a LOT. My pores open up and when the Louisiana swamp/sewer water hits my skin in the shower I start to break out like a plague victim.

This place is trying to kill me.

No offense to the locals, but why in the sphincter of Hades would anyone in their right mind live here?

Oh. Accidentally rhetorical. Never mind.

I watched a great movie today: Outsourced. It was one of those rare ones that made me want to start it up again right after it ended. Having lived overseas for several years I could definitely appreciate the nuances of culture shock and reverse culture shock. Beyond the superficial quirkiness of the protagonist's voyage of discovery of a completely different world the story was very heartwarming and cheerful. I think I will watch it again.

For the walk, however, I started late since it was a shopping day, and, don't tell anyone, I spent most of the early part of the day delaying it while sprawled out on the couch feasting my eyes on visual junk food.

I kept myself going with a Joe Rogan Netflix special. Joe is a great social commentator, and definitely does not pull punches. No, he's not for the PG crowd, or even the PG-13 crew, but he makes valid points while helping us laugh at ourselves. OK, so I picked his special because it was under an hour. There. I said it.

Hey, at least I kicked the speed up a notch today. I'm one step closer to achieving goal #1.

Day 34: 4 miles in 65 minutes.

Day 33

2010-09-12T00:11:00.002-05:00

Still coughing. Phlegm. Yuck. I had to cut my walk short. 4 miles was all I could muster despite having the awe-inspiring Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country playing in the background.

OK, so maybe campy, outdated Shatnerisms are just not invigorating enough to push me past the whooping hack fits that were keeping me doubled over for a significant portion of my walk. Maybe I should have streamed Chariots of Fire, Rocky, or The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension. Lord knows how pumped I can get when I watch John Lithgow portray people of vastly limited sanity.

I'm itching all over. I'm about to ask the doc if this Metformin thing is causing it. Typically if there's a side effect to be had I'll be one of the lucky few to enjoy it. Nexium made me vomit for the first time in 14 years, not to mention the sheer intestine-vacating horror it produced, Mycardis made me pass out, sometimes while driving, and Bupropion gave me the confidence and resolve I needed to end my life most unceremoniously. Thank goodness I read the drug fact sheets they pass out at the pharmacy!

Things are better now though. It just seems to always take one failed prescription or two to find the thing that works for me.

But seriously, would someone please scratch my back???

I don't feel guilty for cutting the walk short. I walked. I went 4 miles, and did it in under 75 minutes. I gave myself a few minutes to cool-down too. I'm allowing myself a bare minimum of 3 miles OR one hour, depending on what I can handle on the day.

OK, I do feel a bit guilty, but that's just how I am. I'm still upset about things I did as a kid. I won't even go into my utter failure of a first marriage. Oops. I guess I did. What I'm trying my best to do now is not give myself any new reasons to feel guilty or ashamed of myself. It's actually not all that difficult if you weight the potential consequences of every word or action.

Yes, I do self-scrutinize quite a bit. Case in point, this blog stuff. But hey, it's cheaper than therapy, and available 24/7, 7 days a week. Also, I'd rather be remembered for the substance of my words than for the sound of my voice.

Day 33: 4+ miles in +/- 80 minutes,

Day 32

2010-09-11T23:56:00.002-05:00

Not a bad day after all. I always say the it's not Friday until 4:30, but this one wasn't so bad after all. The pace at work made time feel like it was flying by. And with the boss away the stress level was significantly lower than usual; though I can't say it's ever really that intense.

Another thing that made my day fly by was the discovery that there is now a production 9 string guitar on the market. It definitely got my attention, especially considering the reasonable price the company is asking for it. I'm still hoping for a 10 string, but clearly things are headed in the right direction. Finally!

The little guy and I are both feeling a bit better. I'm still hacking up my lungs at regular intervals, but I think it'll be over soon.

Today's movie: Supernova. Mindless sci-fi alien artifact B movie with just enough gratuitous fan service to overcome the brutally corny plot.

I kicked up the pace and went for the duration. I hit the 5 mile mark at 81:05. Not bad. If I can kick it up one more tenth of a mile per hour I'll be able to make the Army standard for an alternate pt test. My first goal is to make the 2.5 mile mark in under 36 minutes. The next will be to maintain that pace for a full 5 miles. I know I can do this.

Day 32: 5.5 miles in 90 minutes, including CD.