So this is what it's like to be me. I can't believe I forgot how much of a roller coaster ride my emotional states can be. Everything is tragic yet sublime, horrible, yet so damn beautiful.
Was I right to trade my medicated numbness back in for the unbearable din and confusion of the insanity known as my mind?
I tell my son that he doesn't have to love me, that I just want him to listen and learn so that he can avoid the pitfalls that I so heartily enjoyed in my youth. My youth, my young adulthood, my 30s, now my 40s, and so on, and so on.
I want him to love his mother.
As for my part, all I can do is to try and live up to my vow to him that I will never treat him the way my father did me; that I will never betray him and lie to him without a shred of an apology.
When I see him I see myself looking at my own father. I can't help but expect the worst. I hated my father from an early age, and can't help but assume that those seeds are germinating in his mind as well.
I see echoes of my father in myself so I can't blame him if he daydreams about impaling my skull, watching without blinking, flinching, or regretting as the life slowly fade from my eyes.
If he loves me it is because he is a fool.
I am NOT to be loved. If I am to be known at all I am to be heeded. Otherwise I have neither purpose nor function.
Who am I kidding? There is no such thing as purpose, and function is nothing more than a byproduct of consequence.
I fuck, therefore I father.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Day 141
Not a bad day at work at all. I'm learning a lot of new techniques and I'm being called on to do the more creative side of web work: graphics and layout. That's the fun stuff to me.
Not much else to mention really.
Well, not much if you don't count the fact that I really have a taste for upper level leadership here. It's not a lust for power or anything like that. I really couldn't care less about being other people's boss. It's about a firm belief that my disposition is suited to be in a position of authority because I know that I can inspire people to do the best work they've ever done while still maintaining positive morale.
I don't get caught up in office drama, I don't allow interpersonal differences to affect my judgment or behavior, I don't let petty things stress me out, and I care far more about my wife and son than I do about my own positional advancement.
I know I still need time.
There are patterns in my mind which I need to make sure are under control or entirely eradicated.
Sticking to my guns on my eating and exercise habits is helping, but it's admittedly easy to do considering that the alternative is a marked decline in quality and possibly quantity of life.
I may not love love (redundancy is intentional) my life, yet, but that doesn't mean that I want to stop living it.
I don't really have a bucket list, but I do know that I don't want to check out before I've seen my son well on his way to being the best he can be, whatever that is.
I also want to see my wife happy, truly happy, for once. She deserves some real satisfaction out of life especially for the way she treats me. 10 years on and I still look forward to going home at the end of every work day to be welcomed by her smile and warm embrace, etc. *wink*
About the walking, I guess you could say that I have been inspired by Cake, the band, not the food: I'm going for distance, I'm going for speed.
There's really no need for me to walk for almost 2 hours if my intensity level is this high.
My standard duration was 90+ minutes, but since I've blasted past my first two goals and can hit the 5 mile mark in less than 70 minutes at my current pace, I've decided it's time for a new goal.
I know it will be a challenge, but I want to hit the 5 mile mark in 60 minutes or less, without breaking into a run.
I was able to keep up the 5mph pace for a quarter mile last night, even longer back at the Hilton, but there's no denying that it's going to be a bit of a challenge.
It's not at all impossible though. Race walker paces are so fast that they could beat Army run time requirements without ever breaking stride.
I can hardly imagine doing a 7 or 8 minute mile WALK.
I'm going to have to alter my techniques. Shorter strides, more pelvic motion, push off from the ball of the foot, not the toes....
With my lower back as screwy as it's been since my mishap in 1997-8 this will be interesting, but I know I can do it.
I'm going to start posting exact times, minutes and seconds, as I progress. I may go for longer distances soon, especially if I plan on participating in organized events.
This is now my lifestyle.
Day 141: 5 miles in 68m44s.
Not much else to mention really.
Well, not much if you don't count the fact that I really have a taste for upper level leadership here. It's not a lust for power or anything like that. I really couldn't care less about being other people's boss. It's about a firm belief that my disposition is suited to be in a position of authority because I know that I can inspire people to do the best work they've ever done while still maintaining positive morale.
I don't get caught up in office drama, I don't allow interpersonal differences to affect my judgment or behavior, I don't let petty things stress me out, and I care far more about my wife and son than I do about my own positional advancement.
I know I still need time.
There are patterns in my mind which I need to make sure are under control or entirely eradicated.
Sticking to my guns on my eating and exercise habits is helping, but it's admittedly easy to do considering that the alternative is a marked decline in quality and possibly quantity of life.
I may not love love (redundancy is intentional) my life, yet, but that doesn't mean that I want to stop living it.
I don't really have a bucket list, but I do know that I don't want to check out before I've seen my son well on his way to being the best he can be, whatever that is.
I also want to see my wife happy, truly happy, for once. She deserves some real satisfaction out of life especially for the way she treats me. 10 years on and I still look forward to going home at the end of every work day to be welcomed by her smile and warm embrace, etc. *wink*
About the walking, I guess you could say that I have been inspired by Cake, the band, not the food: I'm going for distance, I'm going for speed.
There's really no need for me to walk for almost 2 hours if my intensity level is this high.
My standard duration was 90+ minutes, but since I've blasted past my first two goals and can hit the 5 mile mark in less than 70 minutes at my current pace, I've decided it's time for a new goal.
I know it will be a challenge, but I want to hit the 5 mile mark in 60 minutes or less, without breaking into a run.
I was able to keep up the 5mph pace for a quarter mile last night, even longer back at the Hilton, but there's no denying that it's going to be a bit of a challenge.
It's not at all impossible though. Race walker paces are so fast that they could beat Army run time requirements without ever breaking stride.
I can hardly imagine doing a 7 or 8 minute mile WALK.
I'm going to have to alter my techniques. Shorter strides, more pelvic motion, push off from the ball of the foot, not the toes....
With my lower back as screwy as it's been since my mishap in 1997-8 this will be interesting, but I know I can do it.
I'm going to start posting exact times, minutes and seconds, as I progress. I may go for longer distances soon, especially if I plan on participating in organized events.
This is now my lifestyle.
Day 141: 5 miles in 68m44s.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Day 129 - 140
OK, so yeah, I dropped the ball.
Chalk this one up to the holidays, the move, the cold, the family visit, and most of all, Fringe.
I did stay away from the treadmill for a while, but I finally got back on last night and did my 5 miles in a perfectly respectable amount of time.
Despite eating out several times since we arrived in DC I've still managed to lose a few more pounds.
202 yesterday.
Heck yeah.
Anyway, I may or may not try to keep this blogging thing up. We'll see. Since we moved here most of what was causing me to need to vent has completely subsided.
Leesville, LA, is a life sucking hell hole. If the Army tries to send you to Fort Polk politely and respectfully decline.
Day 129-140: several miles at a decent pace.
Chalk this one up to the holidays, the move, the cold, the family visit, and most of all, Fringe.
I did stay away from the treadmill for a while, but I finally got back on last night and did my 5 miles in a perfectly respectable amount of time.
Despite eating out several times since we arrived in DC I've still managed to lose a few more pounds.
202 yesterday.
Heck yeah.
Anyway, I may or may not try to keep this blogging thing up. We'll see. Since we moved here most of what was causing me to need to vent has completely subsided.
Leesville, LA, is a life sucking hell hole. If the Army tries to send you to Fort Polk politely and respectfully decline.
Day 129-140: several miles at a decent pace.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Day 128
December 15.
I guess I really should have eaten something after taking my Metformin this morning. Before I hit the two mile mark on the treadmill I started feeling rather crappy, especially in the stomach.
I ended up doing my 2.5 miles at 4.5mph and then slowed it down to 4mph afterward. I let the machine do its automatic cooldown at the 60 minute mark and then continued at the slower pace until I hit the 4.5 mile mark.
Oh well.
The good news is that the scale showed me at 204 today!
My pants and shirt collar are getting somewhat loose, but you won't hear me complaining about that!
Day 128: 4.5 miles in about 70 minutes.
I guess I really should have eaten something after taking my Metformin this morning. Before I hit the two mile mark on the treadmill I started feeling rather crappy, especially in the stomach.
I ended up doing my 2.5 miles at 4.5mph and then slowed it down to 4mph afterward. I let the machine do its automatic cooldown at the 60 minute mark and then continued at the slower pace until I hit the 4.5 mile mark.
Oh well.
The good news is that the scale showed me at 204 today!
My pants and shirt collar are getting somewhat loose, but you won't hear me complaining about that!
Day 128: 4.5 miles in about 70 minutes.
Day 127
December 14.
The effects of dinner carried over to the morning. I woke up on time but I was essentially stuck in the bathroom.
No gym for me. Grrr.
I felt better later in the day, but decided to go ahead and take the day off from working out again.
At least I was able to get to work on some of the websites at the office.
Day 126: to and from the food court and the restroom.
The effects of dinner carried over to the morning. I woke up on time but I was essentially stuck in the bathroom.
No gym for me. Grrr.
I felt better later in the day, but decided to go ahead and take the day off from working out again.
At least I was able to get to work on some of the websites at the office.
Day 126: to and from the food court and the restroom.
Day 126
December 13.
Another early morning and a very fast walk.
I picked the treadmill right under the AC vent. It was frigid! I was glad I brought an extra towel because after a while I ended up putting it on my head.
I finally got access to the websites and was able to do some image editing as well. It was great to be working again.
Unfortunately the Indian food we ordered for dinner didn't exactly sit well with me and I had to spend some low quality, high quantity time in the smallest room in the house.
I didn't sleep well, but at least I didn't have any upper GI issues.
Day 126: 5 miles in about 66 minutes plus a cooldown.
Another early morning and a very fast walk.
I picked the treadmill right under the AC vent. It was frigid! I was glad I brought an extra towel because after a while I ended up putting it on my head.
I finally got access to the websites and was able to do some image editing as well. It was great to be working again.
Unfortunately the Indian food we ordered for dinner didn't exactly sit well with me and I had to spend some low quality, high quantity time in the smallest room in the house.
I didn't sleep well, but at least I didn't have any upper GI issues.
Day 126: 5 miles in about 66 minutes plus a cooldown.
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