The Road Ahead - Part 2 - Insight

As I force myself to put things in their proper places I'm experiencing a tentative sense of relief. This exercise, however, is not without struggle.

They say that old habits die hard, that breaking up is hard to do, that you can't nail JELL-O to a wall, unless, of course, you stir 1/2 cup of boiling water into 2 packages of dry gelatin mix in a large bowl for at least 3 minutes or until completely dissolved, pour the mixture into a 13x9-inch pan, refrigerate it for at least 3 hours or until it is firm, and dip the bottom of the pan in warm water for 15 seconds before cutting it into fun shapes, and they, whoever they may be, are not mistaken. Changing my perspective on these things that have been so dear to me for so long is vital, but still insufficient for building a proper foundation for tomorrow.

I have to reassess, reorganize, and possibly relinquish.

I see my so-called love for guitars and music for what it is now. I could allow myself to wallow in guilt for having allowed myself to hold so tightly to a dream that is not my own, but that would be a complete waste of time. Whether it was my true passion or not, my time spent dreaming of doing something fantastic with guitars and music was not a complete waste. I had some amazing experiences along the way. Those good memories are helping me transform my obsession into a hobby, though I do admit that typing that word does make me cringe a bit. Perhaps when I have given myself the opportunity to experience it in that context I may actually be able to enjoy it for once instead of having it constantly feel like one of those debilitating adolescent crushes I used to get on girls I hardly even knew.

The clues were there all along. The moment it felt like a chore I'd put the instrument down. I also knew that I was unable to express my emotions through the instrument because the patterns I would compose always sounded so happy, and that is clearly not my disposition. I even went so far as to hate it at times. Whenever I would look at my guitars all I could see was my failure to live up to what I thought was my calling.

Do I love guitars and music? Sure! Why not? What's wrong with loving something without feeling that I have to make it my destiny?

Balance.

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: everything is good in moderation, even excess.

Now I can play guitar whenever I feel like it. God will not look down upon me for playing just for fun. Maybe some day, when these feelings are nothing but cloudy memories, I might be able to do just that.

So there you have it. I have reassessed and reorganized. But what am I relinquishing? The guilt. Guilt for loving it, guilt for hating it, guilt for playing so much when it was not my calling, if there even is such a thing, and guilt for quitting when I was actually doing it for the reasons I thought I was supposed to. I know now that I am not guilty of any crime or misdeed, hence I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to allow myself to feel guilt.

1 Corinthians 11:31 For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged.

As I look back over the path that led me to where I am today I realize just how close I've been to the brink of utter destruction. I have teetered over the precipice of devastation in nearly every aspect of my life, be it physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, or socially. My psychic scrapbook is replete with mementos of rejection, alienation, loss, grief, and pain, sometimes self-inflicted and others by external sources, but for each one there are dozens of badges of courage, honor, integrity, loyalty, and faith.

I would be a fool to bemoan my past or to regret any event or occurrence that helped shape me into the man I am today. I am a good man, and I can finally be honest enough with myself to admit it.

For the first time in my life I am actually looking forward to the road ahead, eagerly awaiting the challenges and opportunities that will present themselves along the way. I am ready to live up to my potential without pretense or precondition, and especially without the shadow of that childish need for approval and affirmation looming over me. My wife and son are my everything, my purpose, my destiny. Theirs is the only approval I desire or require.

It is by this knowledge that I am liberated from my soul cage, free to live, learn, and continue to grow.

Awareness is bliss.

(Jigglers recipe from brands.kraftfoods.com)