21 July 2009 (pt. 1)

21 July 2009 (midnight)

Lord, it feels like it is 4:00 in the morning. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to wean myself off of these medications. I feel like I’ve doubled in size since I started taking them. I know that’s an exaggeration, but still, I do feel worn down.

Having to discipline the little guy wears thin on me too. At least this one only went so far as an early trip to bed. He has to learn to eat different kinds of foods.

I do love him so much, and I know that he’ll turn out just fine, but I’m always mindful of the way my parents treated me. I have to be, so that I will not repeat their patterns. I can see now that in many ways they chose the easy way, the reactionary way rather, of dealing with me. Forty years ago no one was giving much thought to the concept of being proactive at all, let alone in dealing with children who may just not fit in society’s mold. Now every detail of our interactions with our children is scrutinized ad infinitum. Our foresight is starting to take notes from our hindsight.

I might have been born too early for my own childhood to have been bearable, but I’m hoping against hope that I was born at just the right time to help my son enjoy his youth, and grow up to be balanced and well-adjusted.
I want to be a good father. I want to earn and keep my son’s respect. I want to impart my experience into him so that he may not have to learn everything the hard way like I did. To do that I have to be an excellent husband. My son will grow up knowing how to treat women so that some day he can find himself a wife as wonderful as mine. Speaking of whom, I think she’s waiting for me in bed.

Gotta go. Bye!