21 July 2009 (pt. 2)

21 July 2009

This has been one of those days. Social interaction has been quite a chore. I’m exceptionally cynical and apathetic, which, ironically, concerns me. I don’t like being this way. Again, it does remind me of my father and his absolute lack of pathos toward those around him. Mine is but a shadow though.
I still do care. In fact, I still enjoy trying to make people smile with my humor, applying it as a defense mechanism, keeping people at a safe and manageable distance. It has worked for decades. I see no reason to stop now.
It’s far better than alienation by isolation.

I’ve been a bit too effective. I’ve actually deceived people into believing that I’m funny. I’ve painted myself into a corner with most of my acquaintances, having built up a front of humor and lightheartedness. The ones I trust enough to open up the slightest bit to are usually taken aback at my candor. I’m not sure they can really deal with the man behind the mask once they’ve been accustomed to it for long enough.

I’ll admit that at times I’ve opened up to people just so that they would go away. I wouldn’t want them to be too comfortable with my façade now, would I? I’m also not always inclined to maintain my charade, and when they come to rely on it to make it through their day, that’s when it’s time for them to go. The last thing people need is the illusion of amiability; though I must say that most people do seem to find a sense of comfort in that illusion.

It’s not so much that I can’t stand people, it’s that I can’t stand the person I am when they’re around. I’ve spent most of my life trying to act like someone I’m not that I barely know who I am any more. Of course, there was a time when my youth might have afforded me the opportunity to live up to the person I was trying to portray, but that time is long gone. I’m left trying to decide whether I should find another role to play that might be a bit more age appropriate, or actually attempting to discover who and what I really am.
I know which way is easier.

Wouldn’t it be nice if I somehow found out that I don’t have to decide between my role and my definition?