Reassessence

Navigating the space between decision and action is torture.

Each day produces new challenges, obstacles, and potential road blocks, all variables that must be factored in to the master equation. The planned journey is in jeopardy of being thwarted before it even begins.

I think I'm going to have to revisit my rules.

1. I must not allow myself to quit, no matter how insignificant a task may appear to be.
2. I must not allow the things that I do for relaxation and entertainment to distract me or take precedence over the tasks that bring me closer to the fulfillment of my goal.
3. I must be flexible and allow for course corrections along the way.
4. I must maintain good morale for my own sake and the sake of my family, choosing contentment over dissatisfaction at every opportunity.
5. I must purposely appreciate the journey.
6. I must, in everything I do, set an example for my son and maintain a standard of excellence in the accomplishment of my tasks.

I think I'm doing fine with rule #1.

Rule #2 is another issue. I haven't actually assigned myself a task list so everything I do in my spare time feels like a complete waste. I can barely enjoy relaxing when I have this nagging sensation that I'm allowing my plans to drift out to sea with the tides. There are a couple of things that I'm trying to do every day, new habits I'm trying to form, but they feel grossly insufficient. I need a task list. Item #1: create a task list.

Rule #3 is the one that's giving me the most trouble at this point in time. I'm not typically flexible. Oh, who am I kidding? I don't bend for anything or anyone. Once I have a goal in mind I don't tolerate anything that would stand in my way. I wonder whom that brings to mind.... I guess I just have to add this aspect of my personality to the long list of things that I've associated with my father and subsequently eradicated.

The plans my wife and I are making require a level of flexibility on my part that far exceeds my norm, but if I take a step back and look at the situation from a distance I can see how much better our lives can become. If I just go with the flow *shudder* and keep an open mind and positive perspective I will be able to perceive valuable opportunities along the way.

Still, my difficulty lies in the fact that I don't feel like we are on our way to anywhere. I don't feel as though our journey has actually begun. Why would I be concerned about course corrections when it feels like we aren't even in motion? I'm worried to the point of indigestion that our journey will be interrupted before it even begins. Every new day feels like an opportunity for failure.

Now that I see these words on the monitor I can grasp the gravity of my error. First of all, this preparation period is just as integral to the plan as the actual execution. This is a great opportunity to consider modifications or alternatives should the need arise. I did say prepare or repair after all.

Also, worry is never healthy. If I'm going to be honest with myself I have to acknowledge that it stems from the expectation of failure. It can actually cause the failure if allowed to fester. Considering what it does to m physically I'm going to have to start treating it like a foreign agent bent on preventing me from succeeding. I can't tolerate it.

Rule #4 is definitely affected by my perception of Rule #3. To maintain proper morale I have to adopt the proper perspective on things. Worry kills morale almost as effectively as discontentment. I have to actively apply the power of contentment to this extremely dissatisfying situation, after all, contentment and satisfaction are not mutually exclusive. Rather than looking for external reasons to be content I must remain aware that the effect of contentment alone is worth the effort.

As for the appreciation factor Rule #5, ridding myself of the worry, forming beneficial habits, and shifting my perspective from dissatisfaction to contentment, will point me in the right direction.

Rule #6? No tasks, no excellence. I remember how foreign the concept of a 9 to 5 job was for me as a teenager. The only actual jobs I remember my father working were a little night job at a printing house and some odd hours at the nearby state hospital in Kansas while he was in seminary. After having known nothing but the missionary lifestyle for all of my formative years I had no idea how to function in a position that required somewhat repetitive tasks. I can't let my son grow up the same way, not understanding the correlation between effort and remuneration.

Now I can see that my torture is self inflicted. I control the dimensions of the space between my decisions and my actions.

Worry is fear, fear is contrary to faith, anything that is contrary to faith is sin. Worry is sin. (Romans 14:23)