Uncomfortably numb

This week, as young as it may be, has produced a marked decline in my desire to participate in meaningless and trivial pursuits. I've lost interest in mindless entertainment. Sure, I've spent some time watching an HBO series on DVD, but I've had no desire whatsoever to log in to my MMO of choice.

I'm not bored. I'm not exasperated. I'm not really even feeling down. I've just had no desire whatsoever to waste my time.

Maybe I'm finally experiencing that little bit of self-motivation I get once I start exercising.

I know I've barely been doing enough to check a block on a mental to-do list, but I'm doing it, and I'm not about to stop. I don't even care about the desired end result anymore. I just know that I have to make it a part of my lifestyle.

When I got myself in shape before, preparing to enter basic training as a 30 year old, I was so driven. I exercised so much that I didn't have time for a social life. I had set rules for myself. I was not allowed to go to bed, no matter how late it was, until I had done a bare minimum of 500 crunches and 100 push-ups. I ran 3 miles every other day and lifted free weights on the alternate days.

Crunches.

There were times that I would put in a video and do crunches for the entire duration of the movie. Other times I would see how many I could knock out in 5 minutes. I managed 168 in one minute at one point. Other times I would do 5 sets of 500 with sets of push-ups in between them. One time I counted and did 10,000 straight without stopping. If I started late I would sometimes fall asleep on the floor in the middle of a set. If I couldn't remember where I was in my set when I woke up I would start over. I was not allowed to get in my bed until I was done.

When I ran I did so with the intention of being able to pass the USMC run standards. That way I knew I'd have no issues with the Army run times.

I was so driven.

I may not have that same drive or sense of determination, but I do know that I'm headed to a point where motivation won't be so foreign to me. It's coming. I know it.

I'm just hoping that my body can keep up with the changes. Since I've been taking medication for my blood pressure I've been getting light-headed, nearly to the point of blacking out, with the slightest bit of exertion. Singing in the car, one of my true pleasures in life, might be a thing of the past if I can't keep myself from getting tunnel vision and losing consciousness. Thank God I was already nearly home and driving only 20mph when I started blacking out at lunch time today!

I am feeling rather strange. My wife even noticed it over lunch and tried to reassure me that whatever was bothering me would be OK. I really don't think anything is bothering me, unless I'm still working on last Friday's leftovers, of course. I think it's physical. What's strange is that my blood pressure and resting heart rate are just as high as they've been for months.

The best way I can describe it is physical apathy. It's as though my body didn't care any more about performing its menial tasks. Maybe it's telling me that if I'm not going to care about it, it's not going to care about me. I have, after all, treated it quite unkindly over these many years. It doesn't care that I've never been drunk, never done recreational drugs, and never smoked a single cigarette in my life. I remembers how I treated it, how I beat it into submission while I was preparing for the Army, only to allow myself to get sick and undo everything I had worked so hard to attain.

I'm not quite sure it likes me any more.

What can I say, relationships take work, even those between you and yourself.

I guess the futility of my routine has reached a critical disinterest point. I count the hours I spend each day doing things that not only have no short or long term benefits, but are actually prime sources of stress and discontent.

Why do I pay out so much money every month to log in to a game that forces me to interact with complete strangers with whom I would have never connected in the real world? I know I make that sound like it's a bad thing, but I really don't derive any pleasure from forced social interaction, unless on that rare off chance that I may find someone with whom conversation is not a chore. I use the term, rare, loosely.

I abhor work-related social events that take place after work hours. I'm all theirs from 0800 to 1700, but from 1700 to 0800 I belong to my wife and son. I have one of those functions tomorrow. It's possible that I've been experiencing foreshadows of dread. It has a tendency to heighten and empower my cynicism. I know I'll get through it, but bah humbug.

I guess I just feel numb.